SATIRE: Tricky Dick’s “Madman Theory” seems pretty reasonable in 2026
Michael Oliss | News Editor
As the Vietnam War dragged into his presidency, Richard Nixon, with buddies Henry Kissinger and HR Haldeman, concocted a theory meant to sound absolutely nuts. According to Haldeman’s memoir, Nixon’s plan went something like this:
“I call it the Madman Theory. I want the North Vietnamese to believe I’ve reached the point where I might do anything to stop the war. We’ll just slip the word to them that, ‘for God’s sake, you know Nixon is obsessed about communism. We can’t restrain him when he’s angry—and he has his hand on the nuclear button,’ and Ho Chi Minh himself will be in Paris in two days begging for peace. Now, let’s get drunk off white milk and make a list of hippies we hate.”
In short, Nixon wanted the North Vietnamese to think he was insane — enough of a madman to kill everyone on Earth — as a way to scare them into negotiating a finish to a war America couldn’t end on its own.
Wow, that gives me a really good idea. Why can’t we just do that again?
Here’s my new Madman Theory, applied to our current geopolitical hellscape. It’s a little more complicated than the Madman Theory Nixon and Kissinger cooked up in ‘69, but it’s got legs.
I call it the “batshit crazy person theory,” and it goes something like this:
- Establish insanity
- Become unstable (unstoppable)
- Playfully hint at nuclear annihilation
First, the US has to do something horrible and pretend the enemy did it, like blow up an Iranian elementary school and blame it on Iran. Wait, we did that already? And, parts of the missile that killed all those innocent people came from Dayton, Ohio? Oh, sick. There’s no way anyone thinks America is reasonable now. I mean, bombing innocent civilians and saying it was their own country that did it is something someone batshit crazy does. Part one is complete — insanity has been established.
But, just in case they think we’re still a little bit sane, let’s make it clear we can’t stop Trump from doing what he wants. Nixon tried to leak the fake idea that “we can’t control Nixon,” and we must do the same for Trump. Luckily, our current president has a history of not taking “no” for an answer, so that “uncontrollable leader” aspect is covered. A person like that in a position of power sounds pretty batshit. Part two out of three is done — so far, so good!
Lastly, we’ve gotta establish we’re not afraid to use nukes. This is the hardest one to push, because we are 100 percent scared of using nukes and reasonably so. What we must do, then, is obvious.
Nixon said, “I’m gonna do a nuclear attack,” but everyone knew he was bluffing. Trump likely doesn’t have the mental capabilities to say one thing but mean another. So, someone needs to put this in front of him, and I’m pretty sure he’ll just read it off. Have Trump say things like:
“I won’t use nuclear weapons.”
“Hey, I’m not even considering dropping these sexy nuclear weapons.”
“The entire stockpile of American ICBMs and hypersonic missiles housed in Israel and neighboring Middle Eastern nations will not be fired at Tehran tomorrow at noon.”
“Instead of using nuclear weapons, I’m going to kiss my wife, who loves me, Melania. Also, I promise I’m not completely batshit crazy insane. I’m not even considering nuking us all before I die any day now.”
After a while, it’ll start to feel like a guy juggling knives, saying, “There’s no way one of these is gonna slip from my grasp, fall in slo-mo to the ground, and impale my foot.” Besides, at this point, people can just point at Trump and go, “you seein’ this?” and people will go, “yeah, man, that’s insane.”
Either way, as long as Trump says he won’t use nukes, people will rightfully think he might.
Maybe the Madman Theory worked at some point. It certainly didn’t for Nixon, or for any other American president, like Clinton, Reagan, Eisenhower, and both Bushes. In fact, most people delude themselves into thinking acting dangerously crazy is beneficial to global affairs when it really makes everyone in charge seem incompetent and straight-up evil, while keeping innocent people in the line of fire.
However, this new spin, the Batshit Crazy Person Theory, might work out just fine.