Porch Profile: The Women of 452 Kiefaber

By: Katy Hoeper – Staff Writer

How did you guys all meet?

Gabriella Cipriani: Emma and I have known each other for what… 11 years?

Emma Eisert-Wlodarczyk: Yeah, 11 years. We even got lip tats. Diamonds for our 10 years (proceeds to pull down her lip to reveal a smeared blob).

GC: Yeah, but hers looks terrible.

EE: It  got messed up. They said it’s never going to come off.

Lexie Digby: Also, all of us except Emma lived on the same floor freshmen year.

Megan Purves: Marycrest five middle, baby.

 

Give everyone in your house a superlative.

EE: We’ve been preparing for this one.

Abbey Hopkins: Emma’s would be Most Likely to be Arrested for Not Wearing Pants.

GC: Seriously. Emma is always outside without pants. Skateboarding up and down the street. Laying in our yard. You know. Also, Lexie is Most Likely to Clog a Toilet.

LD: Whatever, hashtag Crohns. I was in the hospital for a month because of it.

AH: We had a poop party for her when she got back. We are very passionate about our bowels here.

GC: Wait what is Little Bear’s? That’s what we call Claire.

MP: Most Likely to Hibernate.

AH: Megan’s is Most Likely to Make a Party Playlist. Or Power Hour.

EE: Gabba’s is Most Likely to Take an Insult Too Far.

GC: I don’t find that funny.

EE: And Abbey’s is Most Likely to Break Out in Hives. Then hide in a corner screaming “I’m a monster, don’t look at me.” Also… it smells like farts in here.

AH: Lexie is that you?

EE: Lexie, it literally smells like a dirty hotel.

AH: Your descriptions of smells are so on point, Emma.

LD: Guys, it’s a disease, ok?

 

What’s your favorite spot at UD?

LD: Probably Milano’s.

GC: Serenity Pines.

EE: The arena.

AH: Such a cheerleader…

GC: Probably the Tim’s bathroom. It makes me feel so good about myself.

MP: Nah, definitely the Tim’s stripper pole.

 

If you guys were to be visiting for your 10-year reunion, what would you all be up to?

GC: Okay, Abbey is going to come back from her sock puppet show in Las Vegas with her puppets, Juan and Wangbang. She will be famous while doing minimal effort.

AH: (laughing) Okay, fine. Since Emma is a cheerleader and loves wearing her uniform, she is going to be at all of the Dayton games, wearing her uniform.

GC: Megan is going to be going to EDM concerts every weekend. And Lexie is going to have a taco truck.

AH: In Mexico.

EE: She might get deported.

GC: Yeah, send your prayers her way.

AH: Gabba is going to be a scarf artist who sells her scarves on the streets of Italy.

GC: Wow, I didn’t even know that was my dream until just now. Thank you so much.

MP: What is Little Bear going to be up to?

AH: I think she is going to marry a Papa Bear and have some little cubs.

GC: Could you imagine little Little Bears?

AH: I’m kind of imagining the little bears from Brave. Anyone else?

LD: (To GC) You’re going to have them with Sam, riiiiight?

AH: Wait, Sam, her brother? Ew Lexie, gross.

LD: No! The other one. Ew. Not her brother.

EE: I mean, I don’t know…. incest is win-cest.

 

What’s on your UD bucket list for this semester?

MP: Go to every Senior Night.

GC: Emma wants to do Amateur Night at Diamonds.

AH: I want to do one of the Sidewalk Slammers. It tasted like pineapple. Pretty tasty.

AH: Make “Free Shot No Face” a thing. We have one of those big exercise balls, and basically the game is you get to kick it at someone as hard as you want. Just no face. We are going to make it worldwide.

GC: Mr. Worldwide. Maybe Pitbull will sponsor us.

 

Who do you want to perform at Daytona?

LD: Chase Rice. I’ve been tweeting at him to come.

AH: Soulja Boy.

GC: Tell ‘em.

AH: I would crank that.

GC: Carly Rae Jepson. Or Rebecca Black.

MP: Nickelback.

AH: If Creed was there, I would not go.

GC: There is no way you would turn down for Creed.

AH: Oh, I definitely would. I wouldn’t turn down for Nickelback, though. Probably just go and egg them.

 

What advice do you want to give underclassmen?

LD: Sometimes on Sundays, you just have to say, “Screw homework,” and mess around with your roommates.

CG: Like watch Food Network for six hours?

AH: Oh yeah. Ina forever.

GC: WWID. What would Ina do?

AH: I was going to do the Shia LeBeuf quote from “Even Stevens.” “What’s livin’ if you never pull your shorts down and slide on the ice?” Is that it? Nailed it.

GC: But seriously, embrace the four years.

 

Care to share your strangest moment at UD?

LD: One time we had a 9-hole in our house. Every room was a different hole. (To roommates) Should we say how long it was,or will that make us seem alcoholic?

MP: It was literally 35 minutes.

GC: OH! We also threw a semi-pro hockey initiation party. You know, for the Dayton Demonz?

AH: They put the beers in the oven.

GC: Egged our house.

AH: Well we did meet them on Tinder, so…

CG: They were all in their upper 20s and early 30s.

GC: A 35-year-old deep-throated a banana in the middle of our house.

CG: Some cops dropped him off at our house the next morning.

LD: Yeah, definitely one of the more dangerous and stupidest things we’ve ever done, come to think of it. Oh, but another one! Emma did a McDonalds food challenge.

GC: She ate two Big Macs, 10 chicken nuggets, four small fries and two cheeseburgers.

CG: It was supposed to feed a family of four.

AH: And she only threw up a little!

EEW: We had to drive to four different McDonalds.

GC: We were bored on a Sunday night.

AH: Oh I have another one! So I think it is safe to say that I am the only person in our generation who still watches Survivor, and one time, I saw an ad saying, “Do you think you could be a Survivor?” And I was like, “Yeah… I think I could do that.” So I made an audition video.

GC: It was her sitting on our couch in Gardens just talking about why she should be on Survivor. Highlights: “I may lie on the couch for 13 hours but I am really sneaky about it” and “I’m not one of your typical skinny girls. I think I could be a real motivation for real girls.” I’m surprised she didn’t mention beastiality in there.

EE: Want to know anything about beastiality? She’s got you.

AH: Wait, don’t put that in there. I’ve never said anything about that!

EE: “That’s the difference between you and me. I’m into bestiality and you’re not.”

AH: Surprisingly, I never heard back from them.