Fall TV pilots disappoint, writer says

By: Grace Wolford – Asst. Art Director

I have the worst news. Seriously, this article is about to devastate you and for that I formally apologize. Television has returned –WAIT! Don’t run to your TV! Don’t jump on Hulu! The shows may be back, but the quality is bad. BAD, I SAY!

As “Parks and Recreation” enters into its final season, I can feel my heart sink into my butt. It’s all downhill from here, you guys – network television is dead.

I spent the last day watching the pilot of all the new shows that are airing in the coming week. Let me tell you – it made my eyeballs bleed because they were so awful. You probably think at this moment that I’m being too dramatic. I’m not.

There is a show called “Selfie.” Yes, “Selfie.” It’s about Karen Gillan, except she’s crazy and addicted to Twitter. She hires a marketing exec to rebrand her as a person. I’m not making this up. Come on, Karen, you can do better than this.

There is another show called “A to Z.” It’s exactly the plot of “500 Days of Summer.” Just sub Hallmark out for an online dating company and make it terrible. Just make it so, so bad. Make it so awful that the thought of watching it makes you physically ill. That’s the show.

Another is called “Red Band Society.” It’s about kids with cancer, so I’m not going to make fun of it. Wait, yes I am: it sucks. It’s “Grey’s Anatomy” except with child actors. Ugh. I want Little Sebastian and Andy Dwyer. Networks, why do you hate me so much? Why?

There is one flicker of light in the dark endless tunnel that is our television future, my friends – “Mulaney.” If you have never seen John Mulaney’s stand up, I highly suggest you go watch it right now. Like, this very second. Stop reading this article.

OK, so he’s hilarious, right? He’s getting a semi-autobiographical sitcom about his pre-famous youth in New York City, cleverly named “Mulaney.” The show has not premiered yet, but all promos point to it probably not sucking. The cast includes Mulaney, Nasim Pedrad from “Saturday Night Live,” everyone’s favorite amigo Martin Short and Elliot Gould, among some other people who aren’t famous and thus aren’t worth mentioning.

This show could be our saving grace. The clips I have seen are a little more sitcom-y than I would like, but every episode starts with Mulaney’s standup in front of a live audience – which is a huge plus. This show could be our diamond-in-the-rough, or it could just be more poorly written trash. We’ll have to wait and see.

Another show that isn’t new, but might as well be because no one watches it, is “The Mindy Project.” You guys. It is the best network television show right now. You know how the supporting cast on “New Girl” is really funny but the show is kind of awful because Zooey Deschanel is incredibly obnoxious? “The Mindy Project” also has a glorious supporting cast just like “New Girl,” but with the amazing plus that Mindy Kaling is a wonderful and hilarious person, and really not adorkably quirky at all.

Boys, do not be afraid to watch this show just because she’s an OB-GYN. Don’t drink “Diet Sexist” and tell me you just don’t think it’s the show for you. If you like “New Girl,” you will like this show. You will probably like it more than “New Girl.” Start at season two, as season one is a little rocky, and the show is much funnier season two onward. You may even see a familiar face! By that I mean, you will see a familiar face because Anders from “Workaholics,” Seth Rogen, James Franco, and Dennis and Mac from “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” are only the tip of the iceberg of guest stars this show attracts because it is so incredibly well-written.

So, the future might not be that bright, but at least we have Mindy, “New Girl” and the final season of “Parks and Rec” for a little while. When does “True Detective” come back?