By: Andrew Koerner – Alumnus, Class of 2015
The University of Dayton Research Institute made an announcement Oct. 19 on a groundbreaking discovery in the realm of general lighting. UDRI president John E. Leland announced the findings of the decades-long research project to national media outlets alongside President Daniel Curran in front of its headquarters on South Patterson Boulevard.
“The multiple teams assembled on this project and the generous funding received cannot go unnoticed,” Leland said. “The major strides we have made in the past 16 months have culminated in findings we initially thought only had a 30 percent chance of being the end result. At the base of incandescent lightbulbs, CFL’s and every light fixture we studied, are multitudes of elves persistently feeding a campfire.”
The study has left the world’s leading researchers perplexed and embarrassed. Yutsol Monkvoid, Ph.D., a Russian energy engineer, lamented a lifetime’s worth of work.
“This pretty much disproves everything the science community once believed to be true,” Monkvoid said with the help of a translator. “With this discovery in place, there’s reason to question every other fundamental scientific discovery. Did elves also power the microscopes used to locate the campfire? I believe this is just the tip of the iceberg.”
Andrew Henrick, Ph.D., a professor in the Department of Mechanical and Aerospace Engineering at UD, described his initial inspirations from Thomas Edison, the inventor of the incandescent lightbulb and a founder of General Electric.
“I can’t help but wonder if Edison made this discovery many years ago but chose to keep it from us,” Henrick said. “He was such a brilliant man in many ways and may have known the world wasn’t ready to accept this reality at the time. I had a hunch, though.”
National discussions among political leaders are currently being organized regarding giving citizen’s rights to the elves. President Obama in a presidential decree Tuesday morning said, “This is an entire group of living, breathing organisms that do a great deal to make all of the work that we do, not only Americans but as an entire planet, possible. We will continue to learn more from these findings and we will work as swiftly as possible to grant rights to them.”
Not all political figures are excited about this discovery. Leading republican presidential candidate Donald Trump was displeased with the notion of additional undocumented persons joining America. “How did they get here? How the hell they did they get here?! These elves have no inherent right to be here. When I’m president, I’ll make them build a wall around our lightbulbs with their money, not ours. Let’s make electricity great again!”
Editor’s Note: This article is satirical. As far as science knows, the only tiny things making lightbulbs work are subatomic particles.