By: Andrew Koerner – Alumnus, Class of 2015
On Friday, Dec. 11, 2015, the University of Dayton announced the purchase of a residence in Oakwood for incoming president Eric Spina and all future presidents. The $1.55 million home, which sits on 1.3 acres and includes a small guest house and tennis court, was purchased to adapt to a growing trend among Catholic universities. The idea behind this is to eliminate housing allowances. As of Monday, that home was put back on the market.
Steve Cobb, chair of UD’s board of trustees, was reached for comment: “Although UD does not take possession of the property until March, this past month has been more than enough time for us to realize that we’ve made a terrible decision. We previously believed that this house reflected the university’s welcoming nature and could be served as a means to celebrate the wondrous communities that make up our campus. That environment can never exist in a home that isn’t built from the ground up in orange- and sand-colored brick.
“Look at Kennedy Union,” Cobb continued. “The very heart of the student body exists in those walls. Students love that building from the inside and out. It starts with the ocean of orange that welcomes you at each and every door. And why would we need to add the elegance of an Oakwood manor to the student experience when they already have the sheer beauty that is the Kennedy Union Ballroom? Don’t all of these kids think they live in a ghetto anyway?”
Despite selling the property, the university plans to purchase a new presidential home. Current President Daniel Curran took time away from his weekly croquet match atop Kettering Tower to discuss the future: “Our capital budget is over $40 million. We can get something better than that hideous gray castle. I could buy this tower if I wanted to. I just don’t want to.”
Some speculate that the new home will be much closer to campus than the previous home. Several employees of the University of Dayton Research Institute (UDRI) have reportedly been relocated to the basement of the establishment on South Patterson Boulevard and have reported that the top floor over has been cleared out over the past week. Conrad Borozan, an engineer in the aerospace mechanics division, claims to have seen the action first hand.
“They’re animals!” he exclaimed, “They chained me up and hung me upside down from a tower of old cash registers for hours! They laughed and pointed their laser distance measurers in my eyes until I vomited. Then they took their rolled up blue prints and pretended I was a pinata!”
As for what will become of the Oakwood property, it is possible that UD may still come to own it in March. “If no one picks it up, we plan to reach out to the Sigma Chi Iota Theta Chapter,” President Curran said. “We are a Marianist institution, after all, and wish to practice forgiveness and inclusivity.”
Editor’s note: This article is satirical. The home in Oakwood is here to stay for the foreseeable future.
Photo courtesy of UD Media Relations.