SATIRE: Trump Addresses Nation: “…”

Photo via Michael Oliss (accidental screenshot)

Michael Oliss | News Editor

In a highly anticipated primetime address Wednesday night after weeks of war with Iran, President Donald Trump announced nothing.

Trump’s latest media appearance marked a departure from his typically periphrastic style: Trump took the podium, looked into the camera for 18 minutes, and offered no remarks on the conflict in Iran.

Trump did not address the American public and offered no new information, strategies, or vocal emissions. At times, the president appeared to speak, but sources from the White House said he was mouthing the words to “Pink Pony Club” by Chappell Roan.

“…” Trump said. “…….[inaudible mumble to the beat of ‘Pink Pony Club’]…….”

White House officials are torn on the President’s decision to not communicate on Wednesday night.

“There was a risk the president would convey information to the voters who elected him to lead the most powerful democratic nation in the world during a time of intensifying global conflict,” Secretary of Defense War Pete Hegseth said. “He avoided that risk by not talking whatsoever.”

Secretary of State Marco Rubio agrees: “I loved it when he silently looked around at his surroundings. There’s a moment in there when he sniffs, it’s just amazing. Oh, and when he adjusted his tie—so cute!”

Trump did not mention foreign wars, gas prices, or any other topic. After not speaking, he did not take questions from the press.

This is a satirical article. It does not reflect the views of anyone at Flyer News or the University of Dayton.