Porch Profile: The Men of 111 Fairgrounds
By: Katy Hoeper – Staff Writer
FN: How did you meet?
John Rinear: We all lived on the same floor freshman year.
Bryan Benjamin: Ground Adele to be exact.
Will Miller: Three of us – me, Pat and Ethan, went to St. Xavier together.
JR: I went to a better high school.
Patrick Frasure: Everyone knows that’s not true.
WM: Who won the football game this year? That’s right.
BB: Well, I’m from Rochester.
Tom Zitko: And I’m from St. Louis.
FN: Do you have any house traditions?
PF: We always listen to ’80s rock to pregame.
TZ: Bryan drinks flaming vodka before going out.
PF: And for a while there in the first semester, we did “Insanity.”
WM: We are getting ready for Daytona.
JR: Wrestling mats in the basement. Will’s sweat is everywhere.
WM: We try to keep it sanitary.
BB: Another tradition: ripping on Buffalo sports. And I cry about them ripping on Buffalo sports.
PF: Monday Night Raw. But that might just be me …
JR: Nah, throw me in there.
TZ: Me as well.
Ethan Frey: Food Channel shows all the time.
WM: We are big fans of “Bar Rescue” too.
JR: And “Shark Tank.”
FN: If you were visiting for your 10-year reunion, what would everyone be up to?
EF: Will will be slightly intoxicated and get extremely pissed at everything everyone says to him.
BB: Nah, Will will be picking a fight with a mirror.
WM: Man, pretty bleak future.
BB: Well, Josh wouldn’t visit, because he’d be stuck on the west side of Cincinnati.
BB: Zitko would be a hobo.
WM: Ethan would be raising chickens on a chicken farm.
TZ: Pat would be following the Katy Perry world tour.
JR: Make sure to include that he will be wearing a tiger suit.
PF: Bryan will be curing cancer and stuff.
WM: No, scratch that. He’s an engineer.
BB: Yeah, I’ll probably still be doing homework in Kettering Labs.
TZ: He’ll probably be terrible at being an engineer, though. He and Josh were responsible for a demolition of a house.
BB: Freshman year, there was a house at the front of Stonemill, you know, where there’s a big space? Well, I don’t want to poison Rinear with this, but I liked to song-bomb houses with “Ignition Remix,” so we played that song, and people got really into it. The floor started bouncing, and eventually it caved in. A week later, the house was gone.
JR: He’s an engineer, yet he breaks everything.
PF: He breaks it down to build it back up.
WM: Or he’s the worst engineer ever.
FN: What is the best part about living on the Far Side?
WM: Tile bathrooms.
EF: Versace sinks.
WM: Having a room that used to be a double all to myself.
PF: Getting rides from all our friends on Fairground and Jasper.
JR: It’s gotta be the house.
FN: What’s your most embarrassing story at UD?
EF: I was talking to a really attractive girl who was visiting my freshman year at the Cage. We were in the middle of our conversation and I suddenly felt myself falling backwards. Next thing I know, I was on the ground, and the conversation was at a complete standstill.
PF: You just fell over?
EF: My fate was sealed forever.
WM: Over the summer, during Alumni Weekend, I spent the night in the 10th floor stairwell of Campus South.
PF: To clarify, he did live in Campus South during the year, but not during the summer.
WM: I didn’t even live on 10 when I did live there.
BB: I got a call from him at 2 a.m. saying, “Are you coming over to Campus South?”
JR: So, um, I guess mine is kind of an ongoing thing. I do some weird things in my sleep. The best was this year when people were shooting fireworks and, during the night, I thought one of my roommates threw one in my room. I apparently hid in the closet for a good five minutes.
WM: I want your dreams, Josh.
JR: I do have some pretty Inception-like dreams.
PF: Mine was, last year, I was going to a Pi Phi date party, and I was dressed in a tiger onesie. Less than 10 seconds after getting to Tim’s, the bouncer pointed at me and said, “You’re too drunk, you have to go.” So that was pretty embarrassing, getting asked to leave Tim’s while wearing a tiger suit.
BB: I think the bouncer actually said, “Kid in the tiger suit. You gotta go.”
TZ: Mine was a Saturday last semester, when we had a crate race. Anyway, I ended up getting a little bit too drunk from that, and one of my buddies who had a tattoo on his butt convinced me to get a tattoo on my butt. So he started pooling money together, and I now have a tattoo of the old UD logo on my entire left butt cheek.
BB: I want this to be on record. Disclaimer: I’m getting paid $70 to tell this story. So last year, my sister, who graduated from Xavier in May, came with a couple of roommates for the Xavier tournament game. So Josh and I decided to go with them. We stopped at Cassano’s to get food before, and then we decided to stop at Bargo’s for a bit. A few minutes after getting there, though, my stomach started to hurt really badly. I realized I really had to go to the bathroom. But Bargo’s being Bargo’s, there was of course no stall door, toilet seat or toilet paper in the bathroom, so I just had to wait to get to the arena. So after Pat dropped us off, I walked away from the girls to Rinear, and I’m like, “Dude. I really have to poop.”
So we get to the front of the arena, but Josh’s tickets were on will call, so he had to go to the other side. We were like 100 feet from the door, and I honestly couldn’t hold it in anymore and … I fully crapped my pants.
JR: He came running/waddling over to me, saying, “Dude, Josh, I just pooped my pants, what should I do?” I was like, “What am I supposed to do?”
BB: So I waited in line for a stall for at least five minutes. Threw away some articles of clothing, left the arena and had to text Pat to come get me.
PF: The best part is that he texted me, “Come back and get me, it’s an emergency.” And I responded, “Did you piss your pants?” And he responds, “No. Worse.”
BB: It was the worst moment of my life.
JR: I will never forget the way you ran toward me.
BB: Like a newborn duck.
FN: Give everyone in your house a superlative.
BB: Will is Most Likely to be the Man that Discovered Fire.
WM: They have an ongoing joke that I’m a Neanderthal.
BB: He also discovered the wheel.
PF: That’s why his name is “Wheel.”
BB: Ethan is Most Likely to Dumpster Dive at Burger King.
PF: Zitko is most likely to be the Kid you Don’t Want your Parents to Meet in College.
TZ: Josh is Most Likely to be CEO of a Fortune 500 company.
BB: Patrick is Most Likely to Ask for a Candy Crush Life.
JR: Or Most Likely to Sell Crayons Door-to-Door, because his car literally smells like a box of crayons.
EF: No, he’s Most Likely to Wake Up in his Next Life as a Jehovah’s Witness.
TZ: Bryan is Most Likely to be Building McDonald’s Play Places.
BB: I’m bringing them back.
FN: Finally, what’s your favorite spot at UD?
WM: Josh’s favorite place is proctoring the accounting block.
BB: Anywhere that is not Kettering Labs.
PF: Will, I see you at Serenity Pines a lot, man.
JR: Pat’s is Skyline.
TZ: The law library.
EF: Wherever I’m getting free lunch with my younger sister, Erin.
WM: Me too.
BB: Me three.
EF: Yeah that’s just not funny, guys.