By: JEREMY CARSON- JUNIOR – MECHANICAL ENGINEERING
Editor’s Note: This is meant to be a satirical and humorous piece on relationships in light of Valentine’s Day. This is one man’s argument based on his opinion, not facts.
In much of Western culture, the idea of dating is very prominent for us younger folk.
With all of this emphasis on having someone to be with, it can be easy to forget that there’s a much simpler solution. That solution is often overlooked in the younger years, but becomes a realization for some when they reach middle age.
The solution is getting a cat, which is about the equivalent of dating, especially from a male perspective. This theory is coming from a person who has both dated women and had multiple cats.
Before you, the reader, write off this theory as the musings of a lonely, crazy person, pause for a second and think about it. Is it really so vastly ridiculous that this comparison can be made?
Sure, on the surface this seems like a massive over-simplification, but as my argument goes to show, it’s a perfectly reasonable comparison. These arguments aren’t to say that women and cats are exact equivalents; it’s simply to point out there’s a similarity in personality.
The most concrete of the comparisons is the response of cats to receiving catnip is similar to the response of women when they’re given chocolate. Both respond incredibly well. For men, we know that presenting our cats with catnip and our female friends with chocolate is a guaranteed key to their hearts.
The next argument doesn’t apply to all women, nor does it apply to all cats, however it does apply to some. I’m talking about shedding. When dating, especially when with a woman with longer hair, there are always strands of hair that end up hiding everywhere in the house.
As with cats, this shedding is constant, and over the course of the relationship (be it dating the woman or caring for the cat) this shedding becomes an unspoken fact.
Another shared trait is indecisiveness. Anyone who has owned a cat has no doubt experienced the moments when the cat is sitting at the door wanting to go outside only wanting to come back in seconds later.
Women are slightly similar, often taking a long time to get ready for social gatherings before deciding they don’t actually want to go out. Usually, both end up going out.
There’s also a sense of fluctuating emotional states. One moment there’s a sense of standoffishness after a tiff, to leaping onto your lap and demanding affection: a trait shared by both girlfriends and cats.
They both beautifully balance fierce independence with the need to know that somebody cares. Balancing independence and showing affection also plays out in demonstrating who’s really in charge in a relationship.
Now, let’s move to the bedroom.
After coming home and wanting to just sit down in your favorite spot on the couch or lie in bed, invariably there will either be a cat or a significant other occupying that space. They’re always perfectly comfortable and will be completely unwilling to move.
We can attempt to move them and risk getting mauled, or we could sit on the floor as that’s what they believe is your proper place. Should you manage to find some way of accomplishing the nearly impossible task of joining either of them in the bed without waking them up, kudos.
This is no discussion on bestiality, but dating and having a cat are two strikingly similar things and there’s little argument against that.