Study discovers surprising views on Bernie Sanders

By: Andrew Koerner – Alumnus, Class of 2015

A recent study conducted by Pew Research Center in Washington, D.C, was made available to the public this past Monday. The aims of the study were to further understand a common political beliefs among the American public today. The think tank’s three-month venture was vast and covered at least one major city population in every state. The key point of the published report involved former Vermont senator and current presidential candidate Bernie Sanders. The study stated that one out of every five Americans confuses the 76-year-old with Hall of Fame basketball coach Jim Boeheim.

Janis Boca, who led the Pew research team’s efforts, elaborated on the key discovery: “Every now and then we’d discover someone, typically a college basketball fan, who believed that the two were the same person; either someone believed Boeheim was running for president in his spare time or that Sanders was coaching the University of Syracuse men’s basketball team.”

Boca went on to explain additional findings of the study, “Oh yeah, nothing has changed,” Boca said while lighting a cigarette. “People like Donald Trump because they’re angry at Muslims or something, and people still think Hillary Clinton chats dirty with Vladimir Putin on federal email accounts. We didn’t wish to waste any time pursuing such predictable areas–this was literally the only original belief we found in major public opinion today.”

Greg Barchek, a first-year English major and Sanders supporter, provided Flyer News with some insight on Sanders’ popularity: “I think it’s so inspiring how someone without a political background can run for president. This dude was a stud baller back in the ’60s for the Orange. How can there be any concern about his health? Anybody who can run the point can run the oval office in my opinion.”

In the wake of Pew’s study, many American news sources have apologized for displaying incorrect photographs of Sanders over the course of the presidential primaries, both on television and on the Internet. ABC News displayed a courtside image of Jim Boeheim on its website after the second democratic debate. Out of 257 comments posted to date, not one mentioned the error. This past week, CBS Sports posted an image of Sanders on its website after Syracuse’s 68-60 victory over Virginia Tech University. Similarly, the mistake was not noticed until recently.

“It was an old man pointing angrily at someone,” exclaimed Douglas Volk, executive producer of the network. “Production rolled with it, and it was our most read game breakdown of the night.”

During a timeout in that same game, protestors with the Black Lives Matter movement took center court with megaphones and homemade signs demanding the basketball players do something more meaningful with their lives than chase after a ball for people’s amusement. During postgame interviews, Jim Boeheim was also asked questions about healthcare reform and the wealth gap.

Editor’s Note: This article is satirical. At this point and time, Pew has not developed enough research to prove American’s confusion between Bernie Sanders and Jim Boeheim.