Andrew Koerner – Alumnus, Class of 2015
Ohio Gov. John Kasich made a statement to the nation after winning his home state in Tuesday’s slate of primary elections. Kasich won Ohio 47-37 percent over the GOP front runner Donald Trump, while Florida senator Marco Rubio lost in his home state of Florida to Trump 46-27 percent. These primaries resulted in Rubio dropping out of the race for the Republican nomination, leaving Trump in the lead with 673 delegates, Ted Cruz with 410 and Kasich with 143.
A freshly enthused Kasich left the stage where he gave his victory speech, happy to have his head above water. ABC News reported Kasich not fully anticipate the win.
“We knew spending $14,000 on confetti could have backfired on us, but we’re obviously very happy with our decision now,” Kasich said. He went on to tell the reporter he is not used to this feeling: “We will celebrate tonight, but first thing tomorrow morning, I will start the long journey to seizing as many delegates as I can find.”
On Kasich’s following tour of Pennsylvania, several local news outlets in the greater Philadelphia area reported a jittery Kasich rummaging through trash cans between Seventh and 13th Streets, while frantically consuming venti-sized Starbucks Cherry Blossom Frappuccinos.
“We first saw him on the streets around 4:30 a.m.,” Channel 7 News’ Stephanie McGrady reported. “About 23 college interns have been taking turns bringing him coffee, throwing caution to the wind and running through traffic. One kid actually got hit, to which Kasich promptly sprinted to the rescue and threw the responsible driver’s car into the Delaware River.”
Similar reports have come out of Utah since Kasich arrived in the Beehive State. Beth Hansen, Kasich’s campaign manager, said they are being proactive in several other states, as well.
“We have no other choice,” Hansen explained to Good Morning America last Monday. “If we don’t move at a pace darn near the speed of light, we will not be in position to win the White House in a few months. Do you want to know why Rubio lost in Florida and so many other states? His supporters couldn’t move fast enough. We will not have that problem. Rubio’s supporters didn’t dig holes; as we speak, we have a team digging hole after hole along Newport Beach. There are 172 delegates in California, and we won’t stop until we’ve found every last one of them.”
In Nebraska, Kasich’s team has resorted to going far beneath the earth’s crust to find delegates. In the past week, Kasich funds have helped build 79 new fracking sites in Garden County .
“I know there are delegates around here somewhere,” Kasich told a local reporter as an intern pumped 5-Hour ENERGY into a transfusion bag running to a port in his chest. “They weren’t in the corn fields. I searched those for hours. They weren’t in the corn either; I must have peeled around 20,000 or so husks, and I got nothing. I have a good feeling they’re with all the natural gas beneath our feet. I can already feel the ground start to shake. They’ll soon be free!”
Editor’s Note: This article is satirical. Gov. John Kasich may be turning stones to find delegates, but reporters could not confirm the depth to which the candidate’s supporters have dug.