A Pep Talk for Hillary Clinton

By: Sean Newhouse – Staff Writer

Hillary, you’ve had a rough couple of weeks. Really, you’ve had a rough couple of years. Really, since you began a career in politics things have been rough. You’ve done a lot but you want to do more, which is commendable. But girl, from one of your biggest fans, you’ve got to step it up.

Personally, I feel that I am the perfect person to give you this pep talk. I’ve been #imwithher since the beginning. I didn’t #feelthebern, even though demographics said I should’ve been. It took me three months, but I finished your exceptionally unnecessarily detailed memoir “Hard Choices.” Moreover, I waited for four hours to see you in Pittsburgh, days after your historic nomination, and you’ve always told me in your incessant texts and e-mails what an important member of the team I am.

Now, the other day you called half of Trump’s supporters a “basket of deplorables”. While I agree with this statement, others did not take so kindly. So you apologized. You may not have really meant your apology. You may have only done it because your PR team said you had to do it. But like I did in kindergarten when I destroyed Nicholas’ block tower, you sucked it up and said “I’m sorry.” Which I might say is more than I can give to your competitor. However, “a basket of deplorables” does not even compare to the spew of unceasing vomit coming from Trump’s mouth, and he rarely, if ever, apologizes. But Hil, you can’t be making these amateur mistakes. Yes, I know that means you’re being held at a different standard, but sadly you’ve been held at a different standard your whole life.

You’ve also had some health issues recently, and I’m glad to hear that you’re better. Unfortunately, most of the internet believes that you’re going to drop dead at any moment, while Trump was given a clean bill of health by Dr. Oz. Now, your team did not release your pneumonia diagnosis until after you became dehydrated and had to leave the 9/11 memorial. For a normal candidate this might not be a big deal, but the media has spent a great deal of coverage on some actions of yours that many feel you haven’t been completely honest about. So at this point, the public feels the right to know the color of your poop. Appease them. You need them if your future plans include global domination.

Furthermore, Hil, I understand that you knew you couldn’t miss this memorial even if you had pneumonia because, well, duh. But since you were there, you had to push through. Think Alan Alda in The West Wing when he broke his hand from shaking so many hands but pretended he was fine. Yeah, that needed to be you. You can rest when you’re dead and your legacy is solidified.

In summary, Hillary, Hil, Mrs. Clinton, Madam Secretary, HRC, you can’t keep making stupid mistakes like this. At this point, stupid mistakes are what the election is about this year. Most of America may despise you, but some people believe in you. Look to those people. And remember if you lose, that little Hispanic girl you keep using in ads who you promised that you would do everything you could to make sure her mother wasn’t deported, yeah, Trump’s going to deport her. No pressure. Have a good rest of the campaign!

Photo Courtesy of mises.org

Flyer News: Univ. of Dayton's Student Newspaper