The Women of 438 Lowes
By: Janine Costello, Porch Correspondent
FN: How did you guys meet?
Allison Scharf: 5 Northwest of Marycrest!
Sheila Kagel: We all lived together. The legends.
Elena Smith: Yeah, Allison was my roommate.
Britt Sherman: And I lived next door to Allison and Elena.
Darcy Cadman: But we didn’t meet Britney until halfway through the year, mainly because we thought she was weird.
Elena Smith: Yeah but one time, we were all sitting around, and our RA asked us what we wanted to eat for Thanksgiving and Britt said chicken… that’s when we knew we would be friends with her. And here we are.
FN: If you had to give everyone in your house a superlative, what would it be?
BS: Most Likely to Check the Weather Every Hour is Allison.
ES: Britt Sherman is most likely to—well, the first thing that came to my mind was eat DD’s.
BS: True, I like that one.
SK: Or Britney is Most Likely to be at a Buffet.
AS: Sheila is Most Likely to Not Come Home.
SK: Hey! Sometimes I get tired when I’m walking home, so I just stop. Elena is Most Likely to Start a Dance Party or to be Dancing Alone.
BS: I got one for Darcy, but I don’t want to say it.
AS: Say it!
BS: Darcy is Most Likely to Start Singing and Playing her Guitar.
AS: Oh yeah, she did that the other night… again.
ES: Oh, did we give one to Keith?!
FN: Who is Keith?
ES: Look behind you! [Looks to giant poster of a cat jamming out with headphones on.]
SK: Keith is Most Likely to Sing When No One Else Can Hear the Music!
BS: At least our friends will understand that…
FN: If you were all visiting for your 10-year reunion, what would you all be up to?
ES: Allison will have four children at the very least… and a husband of course.
DC: Britt will be at DD’s.
ES: No, Britt will be running the DD’s truck.
AS: Darcy will be traveling the world, for sure.
BS: Hmmm Sheila…
ES: She’ll be on her fourth husband by then.
AS: Elena will be raising chickens somewhere.
SK: And she’ll be making a farm life Snapchat the whole time.
FN: Care to share your most embarrassing moment at UD?
BS: Oh, there is a lot… of just me. Allison tried to take me home from a party but apparently the whole way home I was screaming that I did not know Allison. This was a 45-minute process of just walking back to Marycrest.
AS: Yeah, I had a lot of fun that night…
BS: Maybe I won’t show this to my mom.
SK: OK, so there was this kid I was friends with who apparently had been telling people we had been dating for three months. One night we were at Tim’s, and he saw me with another guy and left me a ridiculous voicemail saying “Sheilllllaa I thought you loved me… Amen” and all I had to say back was “Are we done with Words with Friends?” I hope he doesn’t read this… he’ll hate me.
ES: One day, I was walking home to Lawnview from Woodland. I was still in the dress from the night before, and I didn’t want it to look like I was coming home from a night out. So naturally, I started walking towards Holy Angels to make it seem like I was going to church. So here I am, sending all of these Snapchats pretending I’m going to church. I thought I had this covered. But when I came home, I realized it was Saturday morning and there was no Mass for me to even pretend I was going to.
AS: Guys, I don’t do anything embarrassing.
SK: Where’s our memory jar?
DC: If Allison does something embarrassing, it probably means the rest of us have already been doing embarrassing things all night…
FN: Is there any advice you want to give to freshman?
BS: Go out on Thursdays. I always went out Thursdays!
DC: Eat all the cheesy bread you can while you still are able to.
ES: Ugh, mine was going to be about eating too.
DC: Yeah, we can’t eat cheesy bread anymore.
SK: Mine was going be about eating also…
ES: Allison, be sentimental!
SK: I almost feel like being sentimental.
AS: Make a memory jar with your friends because you will forget some things, and it is really funny to read all of the memories back.
ES: We have memory jars from sophomore and junior year. Also, eat a lot of monster cookies. You don’t even have to share them with friends, just eat them… a lot.
SK: “Freshman 15” is from alcohol, not food. Also, definitely keep your door open and meet people because we all lived on the same floor freshman year, and now we’re best friends still living together senior year.
ES: Enjoy your freshman dorm because that was so much fun—you will never live that conveniently close to all your friends ever again.
AS: Yeah, that was the best.
ES: Even being 3 minutes away from some of our friends now is tough.
FN: If you could add anything to UD to improve it, what would it be?
SK: I think we should have a sauna.
AS: Or an outdoor pool!
ES: I think we should bring back the bar in KU. Just like after class to hop on it!
BS: A Chick-fil-A should be on campus.
ES: I should have said Dunkin’ Donuts!
FN: If your house were to come with a warning label, what would it say?
SK: “Caution: wasted white girls.”
ES: That’s dumb.
ES: We should do something about freshmen boys because we always invite them in, and there’s like 30 boys and no girls… every time.
AS: Come find a date at 438!