The Women of 414 Kiefaber
By: Janine Costello – Porch Correspondent
FN: How did you all meet each other?
Megan Schone: It was freshman year.
Brie Sandrige: Well, freshman year, Megan wouldn’t talk to me and I had to log into her Facebook and accept my own friend request.
Kaitlyn Richards: Brie and I stayed in the same hotel for move-in weekend freshman year, and she was really dressed up to go out to dinner with her parents. I remember this because I thought she was wearing fake eyelashes, and I was so nervous that all the girls at UD would be the type to wear fake eye lashes when hanging out with their parents. Not the best first impression…
BS: OK, but by the way, my eye lashes aren’t fake!
Maggie Quinn: Megan and I roomed together freshman year.
KR: Ellen and I went to high school together.
Kathleen Tabb: Maddy and I went to high school together also.
Alex Migley: Maggie and I roomed together freshman year.
BS: So, we’ve all known each other for a while now.
Lauren Gunn: Wait! What about me?
Kelly Collins: Lauren… we met you freshman year when you were wearing a duct tape Natty Light Halloween costume.
MS: Can we please attach a picture of that?
KC: I think my hair is graying.
FN: If you had to give everyone in your house a superlative, what would it be?
All: Yes, we do these all the time!
MS: Brie is Most Over-Rated Human.
BS: Megan is Most Likely to Not Finish Her Sentences.
ALL: Kelly Collins is Flirtiest!
BS: Maddy is the Biggest Tease.
Ellen Grichocinski: Kathleen is Most Gluten Free.
KT: Hey guys, it’s 6 p.m. on a Friday and I’m still gluten free!
LG: Kaitlyn is Most Masculine or Biggest Boy.
KR: Ellen is the Best Mom.
EG: I don’t like being called a mom!
KR: Well, you don’t get to pick your superlative.
MQ: Alex is Most Fit.
AM: Most fit?
BS: Yeah, no, Alex is Most Likely to be Eating Popcorn.
MW: Maggie is Maggie “Plus One” Quinn.
BS: Always a bridesmaid, never a bride!
LG: Uh, girls! Still don’t have one…
EG: Lauren’s the spiciest!
BS: We hate to tell you this, but you are everyone’s favorite roommate.
ALL: Very true.
FN: If you were to be visiting for your 10-year reunion, what would everyone be up to?
KT: Everyone would be drunk.
KC: I can promise you, none of us would be married or in a relationship.
MS: Except for Lauren! She would be married and would be the first to have a baby.
KT: Lauren would be having her baby, and we would all be in the delivery room in Miami Valley.
BS: Wait, can we change the question to, “If Lauren was having a baby in eight years, what would we all be doing in the delivery room?”
KT: Yeah, I still think we would all be drunk… the B.A.C.’s are not doing too hot.
BS: Auntie Brie would not be paying attention whatsoever.
EG: Kathleen would be taking DLM orders… aka Dorothy Lane Market orders. It’s her favorite place.
MW: Maggie would be the nice one holding her hand.
BS: But Maggie would also have a plus one chilling in the waiting room.
LG: Ellen would be pacing the room in tears.
EG: That is very correct. Brie is still not paying attention to the situation at all.
MQ: Megan would be the most awkward human in the situation.
MS: And Maddy would probably just faint.
EG: Kelly is going to be putting holy water on her forehead.
BS: Kaitlyn just got a Wendy’s 4-for-4 and isn’t there—she’s watching the game.
KR: Ugh and I’d probably be wearing basketball shorts.
LG: Kaitlyn would walk in to the delivery room saying, “Sorry I’m late guys. The game was on.”
FN: Is there any advice you want to give to first-years?
KT: Please don’t come to our house and drink. We will get in trouble.
BS: But like, come to our house. It’s fun. Also, get good grades now because you’ll regret it later if you don’t.
KC: Study abroad!
KR: Go to the gym.
LS: Definitely stay skinny for as long as you can.
BS: Never have meal plan money left over on your card.
KT: Take classes with all of your friends.
MQ: Love the ones you’re with.
All: Typical Maggie quote.
BS: Get a boyfriend if you can. And go to a lot of themed parties, so you aren’t forced to actually look cute all the time.
LS: But if you do go to a themed party, don’t dress as a Natty Light can.
MS: Do not steal signs from houses because you will end up breaking your nose.
KT: Alright, throw me under the bus while you’re at it!
FN: If you could change anything about UD, what would it be?
BS: I wish we could have an under ground pool.
EG: Or a lazy river.
LG: It would be amazing if we had a lazy river on campus that we could jump in to take us to all of our classes and throughout the student neighborhood!
MQ: You have definitely been thinking about that one for a while haven’t you?
KC: Butter Cafe should accept Flyer.
KT: Dorothy Lane Market should deliver.
BS: It would be nice if DD’s would just permanently be parked outside of our house.
KC: But in reality, I don’t think we would ever want to change anything about UD.
MQ: RT that.
FN: If our house were to come with a warning label, what would it say?
MQ: Be careful on the stairs.
FN: Is there anything else you guys would like to share about yourself ?
All: We would like to let everyone know we have an 11th roommate. His name is Kevin J. Hogan. Cheers to our 11th roomie.
Photo courtesy of the women of 414 Kiefaber. If you and your roommates would like to be featured in a porch profile, contact A&E editor Mary Kate Dorr at firstname.lastname@example.org