The Men of 437 Kiefaber

By: Janine Costello – Porch Correspondent

(From left to right) Reed Kaiser, Seth Harmon, Neal Bucher, Elijah Kuska, Dan Todd, Craig Timms and Tommy Eyre.

FN: How did you all meet?

Neal Bucher: OK, well, Eli, Craig, Dan and I met on our floor freshman year. Tommy, how did you meet us?

Tommy Eyre: I transferred here and I met Craig through Sig Ep.

Craig Timms: So the story goes that we were hanging out with mutual friends…

TE: I said I was going to Hawaii and we became friends because… nevermind, just say we met through Sig Ep. Ask us how we met Seth!

 

FN: How did you meet Seth?

TE: Well, Dan is our other roommate but he’s co-oping right now, so we got an email saying another student was being placed in our house. We were not excited about it.

CT: Biggest panic attack.

TE: Dan is our friend slash roommate who we make fun of all the time.

Elijah Kuska: All we do is joke about Dan.

TE:  By the first day, no… the first few minutes, we knew we would like Seth.

EK: Yeah, he’s better than Dan.

TE: We decided before he came his nickname was going to be “Rando” but it was too mean to call him a random, so now we call him “Rambo” instead.

 

FN: If you had to give everyone in your house a superlative, what would it be? 

TE: Craig would be Most Likely to act like a White Girl.

CT: No!

TE: OK, Craig would be Most Basic.

NB: Elijah would be Most Likely to be Arrested for Public Nudity and Reed would be Most Likely to Lose his Left Hand.

CT: Tommy would be…

EK: Tommy is Most Likely to be Caught Looking in the Mirror with his Mouth Open or Most Likely to Walk up to a Cute Girl and Say Nothing, Just Leaving his Mouth Open.

TE: It’s like “Zoolander!”

CT: By the way, “Tommy-ering” is a verb we made up because of how often Tommy fails at talking to a girl. “Tommy-ering” is the act of Tommy walking up to a cute girl and not saying anything. He’ll mumble his way through a conversation or say nothing at all.

NB: If one of our friends is failing at talking to a girl, we say he is “Tommy-ering.”

CT: OK, we need one for Reed. Reed is Most Likely to Need a Babysitter at 30. What does Neal do?

Reed Kaiser: Neal is Most Likely to Order Jimmy Johns While Reading the Credit Card Upside Down and then Most Likely to Order Jimmy Johns and Pass Out Before it Comes. He always does that.

CT: Seth is Most Likely to Choose a Sidewalk Slammer Over any Other Drink.

NB: Dan is Most Likely to Sleep for a Week.

EK: Also, Dan is Most Likely to Sleep on the Bathroom Floor.

CT: Wait! My mom just called me from the liquor store and said she couldn’t find my cucumber vodka.

NB: Craig is also Most Likely to be Drinking Cucumber Vodka.

 

FN: If you guys were to be visiting for your 10-year reunion, what would you all be up to?

NB: Craig would be some modern electrical engineer from California.

CT: Can I live on a boat?

EK: Tommy would be a retired Abercrombie model…

CT: Who is still hitting on college girls. Reed would be…. well, he’ll be doing whatever Kendall is doing.

FN: Who is Kendall?

CT: She’s his girlfriend and in 10 years, he will be wherever she is.

RK: There are three of us here with girlfriends! Why am I the only one who gets picked on?

CT: Neal will still be in med school.

NB: Ten years from now? Let’s hope not.

CT: Wait, what kind of doctor would Neal be? Honestly, he would probably be a pediatrician who hates kids.

RK: Tommy will be playing World of Warcraft or teaching a hip-hop dance class.

NB: What would Dan be doing?

RK: He’d be rich, single and eating Spaghetti-Os.

CT: He would have a dating profile that is all lies.

NB: What is Seth going to be

doing?

RK: Seth will be watching the Indy 500 doing sidewalk slammers by himself.

 

FN: Care to share your most embarrassing moment at UD?

TE: Reed and Dan in my bed…

RK: I woke up in Tommy’s bed after my 21st birthday spooning Dan… I thought he was my girlfriend.

TE: So what happened was Dan was sleeping in Tommy’s bed and for some reason Reed thought that Dan was his girlfriend. So he got in bed with Dan. The weird part is Dan knew it was Reed the whole time and didn’t think anything of it…

RK: I put my arm around the mid torso and I was like “since when does she have a belly? Ah, Dan!”

TE: What about Reed chasing Craig around with a plunger last week?

CT: All of Elijah’s stories have to do with theft so we unfortunately can’t share any of them.

EK: OK, it’s not theft… it’s petty theft!

 

FN: Is there any advice you want to give to first-year students?

TE: Don’t be a freshman…

EK: Free alcohol at 437!

NB: Choose friends that you can…

EK: Neal, that is getting way too serious!

CT: You didn’t come here to play school. I was hoping to send this to my mom, but I don’t think I can do that anymore.

NB: Remember anything you do can end up on your porch profile…

TE: Make a good sheet sign. No but hashtag real talk – get involved on campus.

CT: No, but seriously we get good grades and we have a lot of fun, but school is important.

TE: Hey, it’s cool to be smart.

CT: You can still have fun and get good grades!

 

FN: If you could add anything to improve UD, what would it be?

RK: Hammocks!

NB: Hammocks should be allowed. We only say this because we got in trouble when we hung our hammock. They said the hammock we hung “ruined the integrity” of the porch and the tree.

RK: I’ve seen about 10 other hammocks on other houses!

 

FN: If your house were to come with a warning label, what would it say?

NB: “Savage.”

TE: Aren’t we the savage house?

EK: “Savages with cucumber vodka.”

NB: “Warning: You may have to drink last night’s jungle juice.”

NB: “Warning: You may have to keep your shoes on.”

 

FN: Is there anything else you guys would like to share about yourselves?

CT: For the record, if Dan was here to defend himself, this interview would have gone the exact same way.

 

Photo by Staff Photographer Ray Abdallah.