The Men of 320 Stonemill

By: Erin Ottesen – Porch Correspondent

Editor’s note: In the print version of this profile, a technical spasm resulted in some typos. They have been corrected in this version.

FN: How did you all meet?

Daniel Zach: We all lived on the same floor freshman year.

Eric Schneider: Mike Best and I went to high school together as well.


FN: If you could give everyone in your house a superlative, what would it be?

ES: Maloy is Most Likely to be at Milano’s.

Michael Sebastian: Best is Most Likely to be Chewing David Seeds.

Michael Best: Dan is Most Likely to be Sleeping on the Couch.

MS: I’d like to think I’m Most Likely to be the Most Successful.

MB: Sebastian’s Most Likely to Sleep through a Class. I think Ben would be Most Likely to Live in the Woods When we are Older.

MS: I was gonna say Ben’s Most Likely to be the Head of NASA. Eric is Most Likely to Bring Up Squad.

Ben Lorei: Eric is Most Likely to be Talked into Bad Decisions.


FN: What is on your bucket list for this semester?

*Long silence*

BL: Graduate.

DZ: We’re doing the Milano’s challenge.

ES: To go undefeated in bro time… it’s a house game.

MS: Mine is to beat him in bro time.

ES: So only one of us can complete it.

MB: Finish the Perry’s dynasty.

DZ: Our intramural team is always called the Perry’s.

MB: Nah, he’s   not on it.

DZ: I’d like it on record I didn’t want to try out for the team.

Mike Maloy: I mean, like, remember a Friday, maybe.


FN: What is your most embarrassing moment at UD?

MS: So, two weeks ago, I fell out of bed and whacked my face.

BL: He literally fell on his head.

MB: I asked if he was alright and he just gave a groan.

ES: Mine was on the night of my 21st birthday. I peed my bed.

BL: Mine was a night sophomore year, I ruined the futon. Similar manner.

MB: Sophomore year, I ruined the Fieldh House bathroom.

DZ: I don’t think I’ve ever had an embarrassing moment, I’ll be honest.

BL: I got pulled over on Stonemill for going the wrong way freshman year.

MS: Maloy has the lowest beer die record. Dan was convinced that Taco Bell delivers.

MM: He actually called Taco Bell and said I’d like to place an order for delivery.


FN: If you were all back for your 10-year reunion, what would everyone be up to?


DZ: 10-year reunion, ah wow, Maloy might be a cowboy.

ES: He’ll be driving the same red truck.

DZ: I could see Maloy as a professional bull rider in 10 years.

BL: Dan’s gonna be married with at least five kids.

ES: I think he’ll be the head coach for Wisconsin’s rowing team.

MS: Dan, what are you gonna be, a bartender?

ES: Best will be a ski bum.

DZ: Or he’ll be a partner.

MB: I’ll be the youngest partner ever, man, thanks.

BL: Best will be a sales associate at Ttarget.

DZ: I could see Sebastian being a mob boss.

ES: He said wanted me to answer this for him and say “King of Somalia.”.

MM: Sebastian will be president of Blue Crew.

DZ: I think Eric will still be in med school. Ben’s gonna be livin’ in the woods.

MB: I could see Ben being a lax coach.

ES: Ben will have gotten mauled by a bear and will crawl his way back to campus. Mike Sebastian might always take part in candle making.

MM: Dan’s gonna be a master wine sommelier.

BL: Just for like a month though.

MS: Eric will be an orthodontist.

MM: I might be living in Sunnyville, Trailerpark.


FN: What is your spirit animal and why?

ES: Toucan, it just always has been.

MB: Toucans don’t have teeth, that’s why.

DZ: I don’t see you as a toucan, I’ll be honest.

DZ: I’d like to think I’m a badger. I think Best should put his spirit animal as a cave man.

ES: It all leads back to swiping his phone when the screen was blank.

BL: I’d like to think Sebastian is a penguin.

MS: I was actually thinking penguin!

BL: Dude, we’re spirit animals!

DZ: The crazy eye problem penguin or a bear? I don’t know, he could be a bear.

BL: Why a bear?

DZ: BecCause he hibernates, dude, are you kidding me? Have you looked at him? He kinda looks like a bear.

MB: What’s one that’s just a pompous a–hole?

MM: A monkey.

ES: Like a baboon or something.

ES: My mind just keeps going to dinosaurs.

MB: I feel like geese are a–ssholes.

DZ: Maloy is a hyena for sure.

MM: I think I’m a bird because I like to kiss the sky.


FN: Do you have any advice for underclassmen?

ES: Don’t meet Mike Sebastian.

DZ: Be careful what your slip and slides are made of.

BL: Table slip and slides are not ideal.

MM: If you don’t chew David seeds, then screw you.

MB: MD20/20.

ES: Orange jubilee, for sure.

MM: Invest in an N64.

DZ: Meet your floormates.

BL: Be open-minded.

MB: Expand your comfort zone.

FN: Anything else you would like to add?

DZ: Thanks for the mems!

*All in unison*

There’s good ships, there’s wood ships, there’s ships that sail the sea, but the best ship are friendships, so here’s to you and me!

DZ: That’s the house cheer.
If your house would like to be featured in the next Porch Profile, contact A&E Editor Mary Kate Dorr at

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