The Men of 320 Stonemill
By: Erin Ottesen – Porch Correspondent
Editor’s note: In the print version of this profile, a technical spasm resulted in some typos. They have been corrected in this version.
FN: How did you all meet?
Daniel Zach: We all lived on the same floor freshman year.
Eric Schneider: Mike Best and I went to high school together as well.
FN: If you could give everyone in your house a superlative, what would it be?
ES: Maloy is Most Likely to be at Milano’s.
Michael Sebastian: Best is Most Likely to be Chewing David Seeds.
Michael Best: Dan is Most Likely to be Sleeping on the Couch.
MS: I’d like to think I’m Most Likely to be the Most Successful.
MB: Sebastian’s Most Likely to Sleep through a Class. I think Ben would be Most Likely to Live in the Woods When we are Older.
MS: I was gonna say Ben’s Most Likely to be the Head of NASA. Eric is Most Likely to Bring Up Squad.
Ben Lorei: Eric is Most Likely to be Talked into Bad Decisions.
FN: What is on your bucket list for this semester?
*Long silence*
BL: Graduate.
DZ: We’re doing the Milano’s challenge.
ES: To go undefeated in bro time… it’s a house game.
MS: Mine is to beat him in bro time.
ES: So only one of us can complete it.
MB: Finish the Perry’s dynasty.
DZ: Our intramural team is always called the Perry’s.
MB: Nah, he’s not on it.
DZ: I’d like it on record I didn’t want to try out for the team.
Mike Maloy: I mean, like, remember a Friday, maybe.
FN: What is your most embarrassing moment at UD?
MS: So, two weeks ago, I fell out of bed and whacked my face.
BL: He literally fell on his head.
MB: I asked if he was alright and he just gave a groan.
ES: Mine was on the night of my 21st birthday. I peed my bed.
BL: Mine was a night sophomore year, I ruined the futon. Similar manner.
MB: Sophomore year, I ruined the Fieldh House bathroom.
DZ: I don’t think I’ve ever had an embarrassing moment, I’ll be honest.
BL: I got pulled over on Stonemill for going the wrong way freshman year.
MS: Maloy has the lowest beer die record. Dan was convinced that Taco Bell delivers.
MM: He actually called Taco Bell and said I’d like to place an order for delivery.
FN: If you were all back for your 10-year reunion, what would everyone be up to?
*Laughter*
DZ: 10-year reunion, ah wow, Maloy might be a cowboy.
ES: He’ll be driving the same red truck.
DZ: I could see Maloy as a professional bull rider in 10 years.
BL: Dan’s gonna be married with at least five kids.
ES: I think he’ll be the head coach for Wisconsin’s rowing team.
MS: Dan, what are you gonna be, a bartender?
ES: Best will be a ski bum.
DZ: Or he’ll be a partner.
MB: I’ll be the youngest partner ever, man, thanks.
BL: Best will be a sales associate at Ttarget.
DZ: I could see Sebastian being a mob boss.
ES: He said wanted me to answer this for him and say “King of Somalia.”.
MM: Sebastian will be president of Blue Crew.
DZ: I think Eric will still be in med school. Ben’s gonna be livin’ in the woods.
MB: I could see Ben being a lax coach.
ES: Ben will have gotten mauled by a bear and will crawl his way back to campus. Mike Sebastian might always take part in candle making.
MM: Dan’s gonna be a master wine sommelier.
BL: Just for like a month though.
MS: Eric will be an orthodontist.
MM: I might be living in Sunnyville, Trailerpark.
FN: What is your spirit animal and why?
ES: Toucan, it just always has been.
MB: Toucans don’t have teeth, that’s why.
DZ: I don’t see you as a toucan, I’ll be honest.
DZ: I’d like to think I’m a badger. I think Best should put his spirit animal as a cave man.
ES: It all leads back to swiping his phone when the screen was blank.
BL: I’d like to think Sebastian is a penguin.
MS: I was actually thinking penguin!
BL: Dude, we’re spirit animals!
DZ: The crazy eye problem penguin or a bear? I don’t know, he could be a bear.
BL: Why a bear?
DZ: BecCause he hibernates, dude, are you kidding me? Have you looked at him? He kinda looks like a bear.
MB: What’s one that’s just a pompous a–hole?
MM: A monkey.
ES: Like a baboon or something.
ES: My mind just keeps going to dinosaurs.
MB: I feel like geese are a–ssholes.
DZ: Maloy is a hyena for sure.
MM: I think I’m a bird because I like to kiss the sky.
FN: Do you have any advice for underclassmen?
ES: Don’t meet Mike Sebastian.
DZ: Be careful what your slip and slides are made of.
BL: Table slip and slides are not ideal.
MM: If you don’t chew David seeds, then screw you.
MB: MD20/20.
ES: Orange jubilee, for sure.
MM: Invest in an N64.
DZ: Meet your floormates.
BL: Be open-minded.
MB: Expand your comfort zone.
FN: Anything else you would like to add?
DZ: Thanks for the mems!
*All in unison*
There’s good ships, there’s wood ships, there’s ships that sail the sea, but the best ship are friendships, so here’s to you and me!
DZ: That’s the house cheer.
If your house would like to be featured in the next Porch Profile, contact A&E Editor Mary Kate Dorr at mdorr1@udayton.edu.