Summer Porch Profile: 339 Kiefaber
FN: How did you all meet?
Connor Frainy: Met Brian in third grade at a kid’s birthday party at a water park.
Kevin Patzke: Four of them [Connor, Brian, Peter and Matt] are from the same town.
Brian Gleason: Four of us derive from the greatest city in the world, Chicago.
KP: Can I get tossed in there, too, then? We were same floor freshman year.
CF: Lived with Peter.
BG: Some have called it the most dangerous floor in history, fourth floor Marycrest.
What brings you here for the summer?
Danny Ludwig: My parents told me I wasn’t allowed to come home for the summer.
KP: [Scott] Needles said he’d give me 20 bucks.
BG: Want to cherish every moment.
CF: I got suspended for a semester, so I’m taking classes and working.
SN: I had the opportunity to work for Brian Gleason, and I couldn’t turn it down.
BG: Scott and me are running s—.
All: Internships. Everyone’s working for the man except Brian and Scott. Young CEOs.
Give everyone in your house a superlative.
CF: Drunkest, Brian.
BG: Lambert is The Player.
DL: C’mon, Bri.
Peter Hohman: Most Likely to Lay in Bed All Day.
KP: Most Likely to Lose All His Money Gambling.
CF: Most Likely to Own a Petting Zoo.
Alex Zuboksi: Most Likely to Go Door-to-door Selling Knives: Brian. Not kitchenettes, like hunting knives.
DL: Most Likely to Have a Daughter with Webbed Toes.
KP: Most Likely to Get Punched in the Face at a Hookah Bar.
SN: Most Likely to Live in Jamaica. Most Likely to Steal Brian Gleason’s Business from Right Under Him.
What’s on your summer playlist?
DL: What’s that stupid Jordan Belfort song you guys always play?
BG: “Tony Hawk Pro Skater 2” soundtrack
KP: It’s “Tony Hawk Pro Skater 1”!
PH: “Post to Be.”
BG: Lambert, you listen to a lot of emo stuff right?
KP: “Welcome to the Black Parade”!
ML: Basically, anything Fall Out Boy. He (points to Zach) likes Skrillex.
CF: “Tarzan” soundtrack.
DL: Any Disney soundtrack goes.
All: “Tarzan” soundtrack.
DL: What’s that “Mulan” song? “I’ll Make a Man Out of You”? That’s phenomenal.
BG: “Hakuna Matata.”
What’s your most embarrassing moment at UD?
DL: Aww, you can’t do that.
SN: Probably when I met Kevin Patzke I was most embarrassed of myself as a human being.
CF: Peter stole an umbrella from Smashburger, and the cops drove after him on a field in front of Marycrest. He was running with a Jimmy John’s sandwich, and he threw it because he said he thought the cop wanted to sandwich.
DL: Got a butt tattoo of the Taco Bell dog.
CF: Brian has a butt tattoo of the old UD logo. On my 20th birthday, Brian got a butt tattoo for me. Thank you, Brian.
Do you have any house traditions?
BG: We like to throw knives into the wall.
DL: I was first throw!
KP: Right in the wall.
BG: We like to cheer on skateboarders.
KP: They come by more than you’d expect. We counted 32 last weekend.
DL: Never doing any dishes.
BG: Zach likes to scream at the squirrels in Spanish
KP: That’s not a tradition.
BG: It’s happened three weeks in a row! We talk about going cliff jumping a lot.
If you came back for a 10-year reunion, what would everyone be up to?
BG: I won’t be here.
DL: Gleason will be dead. We’ll be meeting up for a funeral in five.
DL: Kevin Patzke will be a male stripper at that point.
DL: Al would have fully transformed.
CF: Peter: famous movie critic with a trophy wife.
KP: Peter, you’re going to own IMDb someday.
BG: I’m going to be a full-fledged swash-buckling pirate…
KP: Or dead.
BG: I have a bright future
ML: Producing rappers, trying to sign fine talent in the ghetto.
BG: Connor will be an assistant middle school soccer coach, part time janitor. Needles is going to work for Urban Dictionary.
CF: Urban Outfitters?
BG: No, dictionary. He makes up language out of nowhere.
SN: Ludwig is going to be part of a violent biker gang.
PH: Wearing a lot of leather.
ML: Zuboski will be in Colorado running a start-up.
BG: Well, this is going to be a hell of a 10-year reunion. I hope I’m not dead.
What’s a fun fact about your roommates?
CF: I’ve seen every single episode and movie of Scooby Doo to date. And I was also an extra in an “Air Bud” film.
BG: He was one of the puppies.
CF: I was in the stands.
BG: I’ve actually auctioned a piece of original art for $2,100.
SN: I met George W. Bush and took a picture with him.
KP: I’ve beat up Nicky Rawson 43 times.
BG: Peter has competed in multiple Heely competitions.
ML: You killed 43 turkeys in Cleveland. North of Cleveland.
BG: Ludwig has gone jet skiing with a Saudi Arabian prince.
As seniors-to-be, do you have any advice for underclassmen?
KP: Take the place by storm.
BG: Enjoy every second of it.
CF: Don’t get suspended from school.
PH: Make sure you hit the treadmill a lot because then you won’t be outrun by the police.
DL: I did that once. Just be faster than the slowest one.
BG: I have a piece of advice: Don’t wear a fedora, ever.
Random guy who jumped on porch: Always wear a fedora. Don’t take after this guy.
BG: Go Blackhawks.
BG: Courtesy of Lambert, “Keep it 3Hunna.”