Porch Profile: The Men of 238 Stonemill

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By: Katy Hoeper – Staff Writer

FN: Give everyone in your house a superlative.

Jonathan Rose: Matt “Shortstax” Verket is Most Likely to Not Finish a Stack of Pancakes.

Matt Verket: The first night we were here, we went out to eat and I ordered a tall stack of pancakes, and…

Reid Butler: He didn’t even eat half of it.

Nate Jones: So now he’s Shortstax.

RB: Nate is Least Likely to Make it to the Bathroom. He pees everywhere. His shoes. The door. Everywhere. About twice a weekend.

NJ: I don’t want that in there!

RB: No, make sure it’s in there. (To NJ) Quit peeing on my floor and we will stop talking about it.

MV: John is Most Likely to Crack a Dad Joke.

John Bayer: Reid is Most Likely to Have a Beer in His Hand.

NJ: Reid is Most Likely to Go to a Comic-Con.

RB: I only went to one!

MV: And that’s one more than all of us, so…

RB: OK, well, J. Rose is Least Likely to be Seen at the Gym.

NJ: Or Most Likely to Sit While he Pees.

 

FN: How did you guys meet?

NJ: We are all in civil engineering, and I met John through ultimate frisbee.

RB: Shortstax was added because someone backed out at the last minute. But we feel lucky, because he’s cool, and also he has awesome housing points.

MV: (shrugs) I’m a fifth year.

RB: Also, I went to high school with John.

 

FN: Care to share your most embarrassing moment at UD?

JR: I was in front of KU and ate it on the ice. I played it off really cool though, don’t worry.

MV: I totally did the same thing in front of a tour group freshman year! I was skateboarding down from Marycrest, though.

JB: It’s hard to pick just one.

NJ: My embarrassing moment? Freshman year. All of it.

RB: Yeah, freshman year, I fell asleep on top of the sinks in the community bathroom. And the trash cans. And the toilet…

JB: Oh, one time, I had passed out after a night out, but these guys said they were going to get Bdubs. Somehow, I heard them, and I jumped out of bed to join. I reached the door frame and proceeded to pass out again. Standing up.

RB: Another one for John is freshman year, he came back after going out and built all the community furniture up in front of one of the stairwells. When I got back, he was lying on top of it and the only explanation he offered was, “No way any zombies are getting through this.”

JB: (Shrugs) I don’t think that’s embarrassing, I think it was smart.

RB: (pointedly, to JB) The door opened inward.

 

FN: If you guys were to be visiting for your 10-year reunion, what would everyone be up to?

RB: Nate will be trying to put his six children through school.

JR: Correction: six children with six different women.

NJ: J. Rose is going to be a body builder.

RB: No wait, what if he’s really, really fat. (To JR) You’re totally going to be doing the Truffle Shuffle in 10 years, I’m calling it now.

JR: John is going to be the new Dr. Chase.

MV: I want to be a stay-at-home-dad.

JB: Reid will be a burly man, carving things out of redwood trees in Puget Sound.

 

FN: Do you have any house traditions?

RB: Doorknobs. It’s a game where, if you fart, you call “Doorknobs,” and everyone gets to beat that person up until they touch one. It’s especially interesting in this house, because we mostly have door handles and only a few doorknobs.

MV: Another one is KUBB, which is pronounced like “coob.”

 

FN: I’m almost scared to ask…

RB/NJ: It’s a Viking game of conquest.

JB: Played on the pitch aka the front yard.

RB: Basically, you throw sticks at other sticks.

NJ: Yeah, it’s like Red Rover. But with wood.

JB: We played it at a renaissance fair a couple of weekends ago, actually.

 

FN: What advice do you want to give the underclassmen?

NJ: Be a business student.

RB: Duck those punches at Bargos…

JB: Don’t visit friends at other schools. You don’t want to miss a weekend here.

JB: If you don’t start drinking in the morning, you can’t drink all day.

RB: Another bit of advice: Go to Daytona.

NJ: Also, don’t steal upperclassmen’s stuff.

 

FN: What is the perfect method for eating an Oreo?

RB/NJ: “How to perfectly eat a chocolate cookie sandwich.”

NJ: Start with a twenty stack.

RB: And you’re on your way.

JR: I’m more of a two bite guy.

RB: Yeah, he actually has a cookie jar in his room. He only eats them in bed.

FN: If your house came with a warning label, what would it be?

JB: Stale beer.

RB: Dragon fire and ruin. That’s all you’re going to find here.

JB: No trespassing, violators will be offered a shot.

 

FN: What is your house theme song?

RB: “Hooked on a Feeling” by Blue Suede Shoes.

JB: Yeah, we actually play it so often that one time, when it was really quiet over here, we could hear our neighbors next door singing it.

 

FN: What’s your favorite spot at UD?

NJ: Not Kettering Labs.

JB: Milano’s. They know all of us there.

NJ: Bdubs and Milano’s. After midnight, though.

MV: Tanks.

NJ: J. Rose loves the gym.

JR: I don’t want to be that guy, but, yeah. He’s right.

 

FN: Finally, what are you going as for Halloween?

NJ: The Wacky Wailing Inflatable Arm Tube Man.

JB: (To NJ) You’re going to have to stretch a lot before then.

NJ: But the real question is, will they let me in Tim’s?

JB: I’m going as Herb Brooks from Miracle, and a lot of our underclassmen friends are going to be the team.

MV: I’m going as Nemo, and my girlfriend is going as a shark. Throughout the night, we are going to use the Find a Friend App, and she’s going to have to try and find me at all of these different houses.

RB: I think I’m going to go as Ron Swanson. Or Star Lord from “Guardians of the Galaxy.”

JR: I’m going to go as a sexy zookeeper.

RB: He has a lot of attractive animal friends. How long will your shorts be again, J. Rose?

JR: I’m thinking mid-thigh. The problem is that I’m super pale under here.

RB: Hey, at least you won’t get hit by a car.