Porch Profile: The Men of 23 Evanston
By: Katy Hoeper – Staff Writer
FN: What’s your favorite spot at UD?
John Klingler: Mario’s is the toilet.
Mario LoVerde: Specifically the toilet in the sky, on the seventh floor of the library.
Carmen DiCillo: Or his red truck. If you see anyone riding around in a red truck, it’s him.
Chris Bendel: I really like Baujan Field.
ML: Another one is The Wedge. It’s a house full of dummies. Put that in there. And make sure to quote me on it.
Sterling Yates: The back bar [at Tim’s] when it’s open. Or the tree house with DJ Snowman.
ML: Oh wait, in quotes, “That stupid fountain by Marycrest.”
SY: There’s actually a cool cemetery there.
ML: Yeah, people are dying to get in there.
JK: Don’t put that in there.
ML: Probably the volleyball court on Kiefaber that they ripped down for no reason.
CD: The Blend in the library is pretty tight.
SY: Marianist dining hall in Barrett.
CD: Sterling is interning there and going into the seminary after.
FN: If you had a pet, what would it be?
CB: Well, we almost got four ducks last year.
ML: They were only $19.99, but the diapers for them were really expensive. So it just wasn’t economically efficient.
SY: And they were going to quack all night.
ML: I’d have an armadillo if I could.
Tommy Behr: A Flemmish rabbit. Because they are big.
FN: Care to share your most embarrassing moment at UD?
ML: I fell asleep on our front porch the day before my 21st birthday. I woke up at 6 a.m. to people kicking me in the ribs. I’ve also fallen asleep on this porch between the hours of 2 a.m. and 6 a.m. no less than four times. Also, Carmen got cheated on by his ex-girlfriend. Frequently. Wait, if this is online, can you post links to videos?
CD: I found another girlfriend, and she treats me right.
SY: Yeah, if I had to say my most embarrassing story, I would definitely say when Carmen got cheated on by his girlfriend.
FN: What’s your house song?
ML: Snake Farm.
CB: Sterling found this song.
JK: I’m not really happy it’s our song…
CB: Well, you can’t choose a song; it chooses you.
FN: Give everyone in your house a superlative.
SY: Oh we have them! We already came up with them! Mario, you’ve got these, right?
ML: Sterling is Most Likely to be Legally Blind by 25. Chris is Most Likely to Wear Pleated Slacks every day of his life. Carmen is Most Likely to Get Cheated on by his Girlfriend. And John is Most Likely to Micro-manage himself to Death.
CD: John needs like two planners. His life is in his planner. Everything. Haircut, cleaning his desk. I guarantee it says what time he needs to drink water in there.
SY: Tommy is Most Likely to be a Serial Killer. (High-pitched voice) “Dandy”..CB: He literally can’t match colors. If you see a guy walking around wearing shirts and pants that are the same colors… It’s Tommy.
JK: Mario is Most Likely to be on Hoarders.
CD: And Most Likely to Let his Food go Bad.
FN: If your house came with a warning label, what would it say?
JK: We need to carefully craft this one… Warning: Tommy Lives Here.
ML: Warning: Tables not Welcome.
CB: We have already gone through two tables. By the time we get a new table, it is completely destroyed by the next weekend.
ML: Here’s another one. Warning: Freshmen Grind Parties. On weekends, there are always like 300 freshmen here. But no beer. We don’t give them any beer.
CD: By the time we are heading out to the bars, our house is just packed with freshmen.
CB: It’s actually scary. I hope we weren’t like that.
FN: What do you like least?
CD: Sterling, I hate your terrible written communication skills. You’re very unclear. And nothing that you ever say makes any sense at all.
SY: Well, Carmen, you’re tacky and umm….
ML: Here come those great communication skills…
SY: You’re tacky! No wonder no girls wanted to go to his high school…
ML: Well I hate that Chris never updates his phone.
CB: (holding iPhone) Yeah, I don’t trust Apple. At least I’m not like Sterling. He likes Tinder.
SY: No I’m not that into it anymore, I swear.
JK: Mario is in a long-term relationship with a… a nice girl. We will leave it at that.
SY: Can you tell her happy belated birthday from us?
FN: Do you have any house traditions?
SY: “Shark Tank,” on rerun. We are big Barbara fans. And Mark Cuban. But we don’t watch the new season. No, more like season two, episode 36.
CB: All of us sneak John’s food. And he sometimes thinks he’s nice giving us food, but really, we have all been taking it all year.
JK: Yeah, well, I have a tradition of my own. After about three months of school, I check the labels of Mario’s food, and there are always some from before school even started. So I throw them away.
SY: Oh and another tradition is don’t touch the natural wood because our landlords are very picky about it.
TB: Mario not lifting up the toilet seat is another tradition. And guys nights minus John. And Scrabble on Tuesdays at 10 p.m. with “Shark Tank.”
FN: If you guys were visiting for your 10-year reunion, what would you all be up to?
CB: Mario would still be playing with power tools.
ML: I don’t know, man, I’m just living the life fast and easy.
CD: Sterling will definitely be jobless and blind, because of his lack of written communication.
ML: Tommy won’t be here because he’s at Area 51, and John’s going to be married with five daughters.
CD: John is going to be a stay-at-home dad planning his daughter’s lives out on papers.
SY: Carmen’s going to be on his fourth wife who just cheated on him.
ML: Christopher is going to be the absolute biggest corporate pawn. “Hey Bendel, can you come in Saturday?” and he’ll be like “Yeah, OK!” thinking he’ll move up, but he never will.
JK: Still writing articles that no one reads. Covering high school football, with like two people as the audience.
SY: Yeah, in Waco, Texas.
FN: Who do you want to perform in Daytona?
CB: Nick Jonas. And Colbie Caillat.
ML: I’d say The Beatles.
JK: Dig them up then. Don’t tell me it can’t be done, because it can be done.
TB: Maroon 5.
JK: And he is being 100 percent serious.
ML: All I have to say anymore is… I hate John.
FN: What advice do you want to give underclassmen?
SY: Don’t stop in 23 Evanston.
CD: Work your little butt off and it’ll pay off. Life’s what you make it.
CB: Make a product and try to appear on Shark Tank.
SY: Don’t mess around with girls that wear Jesus Cruisers or Tevas.
SY: Do not catch Ebola. No Ebola, no Jesus Cruisers. They go hand-in-hand, I think, right?
ML: Remember one fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish.
TB: Don’t trust a turtle with a lead foot. And find housing for junior and senior year immediately.