Pizza, selfies, and J. Law: Writer reviews 2014 Oscars

By: Grace Wolford – Asst. Art Director

OH EM GEE U GUYS THE OSCARS. They happened. We all watched it, unless you were watching “True Detective,” in which case you are excused. What better way to prepare the Emmys (hosted by everyone’s favorite biffles, Amy Poehler and Tina Fey) than to roll through a nice little Academy Awards highlight reel hosted by me, the under qualified and unambitious college-age girl who embodies the dream of the ‘90s.

First of all, let’s discuss the red carpet briefly. Basically, I only remember three things:

1. Lupita Nyong’o is the prettiest girl at the dance, and I think that if I knew her we’d be best friends. She just gives off this vibe like she probably totally likes the same television shows and books that I like and she probably would appreciate my humor. We’re already hanging out in my head Lupita, why not just make it official already?

2. J. Law fell, again. (Insert generic sentence about how relatable and adorable she is and how she’s just like me/you/him/her and also hot as the sun).

3. I want to be a part of Olivia Wilde and Jason Sudekis’ relationship. I think that’s my life goal now. And can we talk about how beautiful celebrities make pregnancy look? I just want to take a sentence or two to remind everyone that pregnancy is super gross. Pregnancy plus noncelebs equals being hot and hungry for mayonnaise and pickles together and leaking weird liquids for 9 months. Don’t get pregnant.

And now onto the show, which I thought was pretty standard for how the Oscars go:

1. Oh hey there Ellen, you look well. I like the jokes you are making I suppose. Your pantsuit looks… like a pantsuit… and your wife is on “Arrested Development.”

2. Is there always this much singing and dancing at the Oscars?

3. Remember last year when the “Les Mis” people sang “One Day More”? Lets just do that again.

4. Oh, Jared Leto. You are so beautiful. Remember when you were Jordan Catalano? Or when you got the crap beat out of you in Fight Club? I remember both of those times. I like that your mom is your date. Let’s get married or something… what? Hahahaha crazy! Unless you want to. I’m very chill and cool… it’s whatever…

5. (Honorable mention for that Somalian guy that got nominated for best supporting actor, he was really cool and nice. High five, dude!)

6. Lupita Nyong’o! Hey girl! Wanna get brunch? I like your dress! You totally deserved this! Hooray!

7. Whoa, there is a pizza here. For real. And now we get to watch celebrities pretend to be the kinds of people who eat pizza, except J. Law (insert generic sentence about how real and cool she is).

8. Whoa, selfies. Must retweet. Must feel a part of something bigger than me. Reflect on self a little bit. Disregard self-reflection. Continue watching.

9. “Frozen” won. I would like to say a word here in reference to “Frozen” that begins with “f.” I am also making a gesture with my hands, and not a nice gesture. NO ONE LIKES YOU, “FROZEN.”

10. Did John Travolta just have a stroke?

11. “Frozen” won again. I don’t even care.

12. Cate Blanchet won. I don’t like Woody Allen, so I didn’t watch his movie, but his speech was nice. I guess.

13. Alright, alright, alright, its Matthew McConaughey! Good job. And hey, way to deliver a speech that was both super inspiring and kind of made you look like you have early onset dementia. I’m proud of you, buddy. (NOW GO WATCH “DALLAS BUYERS CLUB” IT’S SO [word that starts with “f”]-ing GOOD.)

14. Also, sorry not sorry, Leonardo Dicaprio. No, I don’t think you got jipped, nor do I think that “Wolf of Wall Street” got jipped, nor do I think Jonah Hill got jipped. If you go watch all of these movies again, you’ll see what I mean.

15. “12 Years a Slave” won. OH MY GOD, SO SURPRISED.

16. Why did I stay up until 1 a.m. to watch this?

The Academy Awards: they came, they ordered a pizza, they told Liza Minelli she was a tranny (that was weird right?) and now it’s over and we are all going to remember it more fondly than it actually was.

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