By: Mary Kate Dorr – A&E Editor
For the first time ever, Flyer News was granted the opportunity to have an exclusive interview with none other than one of the University of Dayton campus squirrels. Because we can’t tell them apart, the squirrel will remain anonymous.
FN: What would you consider your favorite part of living on campus?
Squirrel: You know, this probably won’t come as a surprise, but I’m going to have to say the sense of community. You hear of so many squirrels struggling on other campuses to create a connection with humans, and here we are, a valued part of UD. I wouldn’t say I’m lucky, but definitely #blessed.
FN: What is your favorite spot on campus?
Squirrel: Oh man, that’s tough. I’d say it is a toss-up between Kennedy Union and the pathway between the Chapel and Roesch Library. You know it’s pronounced “resh” like “fresh” right? The things you hear students talking about, but I digress. KU, I’m really in it for the food. You wouldn’t believe the buffet of meals students just toss in those trashcans outside of KU. I’m a big fan of the French fries, they’re portable, you know? The pizza crusts are great, a little messy for someone of my size, but I make it work. The library is great because of the foot traffic. I get to stare unblinkingly into the souls of so many students.
FN: Do you pay room and board?
Squirrel: Housing has been a sore subject with us lately. We do not, but prime locations have been sought out this year more than ever before. I’ve even heard talk of some insider acorn-bribing for a nest in Serenity Pines. It’s a squirrel-eat-slightly-fatter-squirrel-world out there.
FN: Why do you get so close to students as they walk through campus?
Squirrel: Since I can’t go to class myself, I try to glean bits of information about the human college experience by darting out in front of large crowds of students in front of Humanities and pretending I’m one of them. I’ve noticed that students aren’t too keen on me approaching them, so I’ve been working on sneaking up on them from the branches above.
FN: What is your most embarrassing moment at UD?
Squirrel: Oh, I was hoping this wouldn’t be a question. So I’m in my tree, right? All of a sudden, I see this acorn and I. Have. To. Have. It. It’s resting on a branch just below the one I’m on, so I hop down and attempt to grab it. Right as I’m about to sink my teeth into this victory, the acorn slips from my grasp and hits this unsuspecting blonde girl in the head. She’s so confused, looking into the sky, and I was just mortified. Oh dear. I could have cost us our reputation as friendly and harmless.
FN: What has been your favorite memory at UD?
Squirrel: One time, I don’t know if I should say this to a print publication, but I snuck into Tim’s. There’s a backyard to it, who knew? It was a Thursday night and I was just minding my own business when I heard music, laughter… I wanted to be a part of it. So without thinking, I’m running and I see this opening under the fence and I just wiggle my way through. But the backyard wasn’t enough. I hopped up a few stairs, and low and behold, there I was. With my tail sticking to the floor and attempting to avoid students spilling a blue drink, I explored. I went completely unnoticed, since I stuck to the perimeter of the bar, but that DJ knew what he was doing. Without a doubt, the best night of my life. I have plans to return…
To see this one and more evil demons running around on campus exhibiting anthropomorphic behavior, visit the FN squirrel gallery. If you have any squirrel encounters to share, email them to firstname.lastname@example.org