By: GRACE WORLFORD-Asst. Art Director
Editor’s note: Grace is a passionate television series follower with a wide range of interests and a tendency to reveal spoilers with reckless, romantic abandon.
That’s right, kids, it’s that time of year where you steal your acquaintance’s HBO GO password because “winter is coming” (seriously you guys, I think it’s actually going get here soon).
If you’ve never seen “Game of Thrones,” but are trying to get in on the craze, you are about to be extremely confused and probably super offended. The show is almost entirely politics between more than 40 main characters, and all you have to do is keep them all straight. I advise you watch the previous seasons and/or read the books. But if all you want to get out of this series is a brief conversation with your strange, single 40-year-old second cousin who over-pronounces the word “ho-mo-sex-u-al” then this list will probably help you. Maybe.
These characters are probably the heroes of the show, or at least they used to be before all of them got separated and half of them got brutally murdered. Let’s just focus on the ones that are still alive, shall we?
Arya Stark: With the emotional and physical endurance of a ‘Nam vet, she’s probably going to become a super-rad assassin and bring down some cold, hard justice on forgettable bad guys. She has a lot of angst because almost all of her family is dead.
Sansa Stark: She has the emotional endurance of a slightly less hardcore ‘Nam vet, but with zero physical endurance. She is no one’s favorite character. I predict she will cry almost every episode, and continue to be a supporting character in her own life. In her defense, her life is terrible.
Bran Stark: He’s an all-around awesome character, except he can’t walk. Although he’s endured a lot he’s still got that flicker of humanity in his eyes that everyone loves. Since he’s been out of the Westeros inner circle, due to everyone thinking he is dead, he still has a somewhat optimistic outlook on life.
Jon Snow: Despite popular belief, he actually knows a lot of things. He is VERY awesome but ALWAYS gets the short stick. Basically, he has the entire Northern plot to himself, so he’s always relevant. No one is ever nice to him because he’s a bastard. But I give him five chili peppers.
They always pay their debts. It’s really difficult to come up with a generalized stereotype for this family in the show, so I’m just going to list the big players.
Cersei Lannister: HORRIBLE. She literally gave birth to the anti-Christ and is always ruining something but never sees it that way. Loves wine. Loves incest.
Jaime Lannister: He was once a bad guy, but last season changed his ways because he got his hand cut off and had to hang out with Brienne of Tarth for months. He is likable and not completely corrupted like his father, sister (lover) and psychotic nephew (son).
Joffrey Lannister: Please die this season. I hope he gets slapped again. Everyone hates him and you should, too.
Tyrion Lannister: He is the only Lannister that should have any power, as he is the only one that is capable of producing rational thought, but instead they all hate on him and threaten to kill him all the time. Peter Dinklage should win all the Emmys. Tyrion should win everything.
Tywin Lannister: Family patriarch/just the worst. I predict Joffrey will get bored and kill him this season.
This family is almost entirely dead. They used to be in power until absurd amounts of incest made one of them go insane and try to kill everyone.
Daenerys Targaryen: As everyone’s favorite character, she is the rightful queen/Khaleesi and is actively trying to get back to Westeros to reclaim her thrown and burn everyone to the ground with her dragons (she is in a desert part of the world right now that doesn’t have a consistent name). It’s been three seasons and she still hasn’t crossed the Narrow Sea, and it’s not looking like she’s going to make it this season either. But she has dragons, so it’s fine. However, no one in Westeros seems that worried about it, but they should be.
Ser Jorah Mormont: Lord of the friend zone, he will do anything to protect Dany.
Grey Worm: Leader of the Unsullied, an army that Dany hired/liberated. He says little, and yet he says it all.
THE MARTELLS OF DORNE
This is their first season on the show. All we really know at this point is that they are from Dorne and they are still bent out of shape about the death of Elia Martell. Before the timeline of the show even started, Elia was married to Rhaegar Targaryen (Dany’s brother) and was butchered and raped when “The Mad King” was overthrown.
THE TYRELLS OF HIGHGARDEN
They are trying to weave their way into power and are probably going to get killed for it. The grandmother is great and hilarious, and Magarey is alright I guess. Loras is totally gay and everyone knows it, but they still can’t talk about it because it’s medieval times. So that’s always an elephant in the back of the ball room.
There are literally infinite characters on this show. Even the experienced GoT fan gets confused sometimes. I think the only person who doesn’t get confused is George R. R. Martin, and that’s only because he wrote it and can kill any characters that bother him. I hope you enjoy the next nine Sunday nights as much as I will. “Game of Thrones” time is when my power is at its fullest.