Build the ultimate ‘Trivia Dream Team,’ ensure victory

By: Grace Wolford – Asst. Art Director

It’s Thursday. You’re cold and you probably also have a cold because winter is approaching and everyone is disgusting and sick. You don’t want to go outside, you want to eat Nutella in your bed and watch Netflix, but then you hear it.

At first it is subtle, a slight disturbance in the force calling you to action. You roll over and put a pillow over your head. “Not now, fishbowls,” you think loudly to the figment of your imagination, “I’m too busy eating and watching ‘Breaking Bad.’” But it’s too late. It’s in your head and before you know it you’re running, – nay, sprinting – to Fieldhouse to save a table for your friends.

That’s right, ladies and gents, I am talking about Trivia: everybody’s favorite thing ever and possibly the most competitive event on campus.

Getting there early isn’t even the half of it though. This game is not for the faint of heart. Essentially, if you are looking for a fun time with friends to share $4 beer and laugh and take selfies, this is not for you. This is war, people! You need an elite team if you want to make it out of these hunger games.

You’re probably thinking to yourself, “But, Grace, who do I ask to be on my team? How will I ensure my victory?” To that I would respond: “Give up, my team is beast.”

But if you are trying for a close second, take my advice because I’ve won a bunch of games of Trivia. (Disclaimer: I have won two games of trivia.) These are the types of people I would suggest recruiting:

THE ARCHIE MANNING
This is the person that doesn’t play sports, but literally knows all about them. Someone who is only obsessed with one sport is weak-sauce and probably won’t help you. Someone who plays a sport is probably partial to that sport, and thus biased and useless. This person needs to be up-to-date on all current statistics – basketball, football, hockey, baseball etc. That’s a given, but he or she also needs to know the weird history tidbits. Who was the first U.S. volleyball player to win three gold medals? …….Too late. Get out of here.

THE PEREZ HILTON
This is the pop culture superstar. He or she knows every celebrity’s business at all times. But knowing where the Kardashian siblings regularly brunch is not going to cut it. This person needs to know pop culture like the back of their hand—at least from Coco Chanel to present if you really want to stand a chance.

THE AMERICAN IDOL
This is the player that knows all about music. All music. Just knowing about underground indie bands is not going to be helpful. An important guideline to note, is that trivia is a no-hipster zone. If your music dictionary is too busy spouting on and on about how the electric slide was the worst piece of trash to come out of an otherwise beautiful music era, but not writing down the answer – you’re done.

THE TV GUIDE CHANNEL
This is the person who knows all about television. This is the kid who’s Netflix is recommending everything from “One Tree Hill” to “M.A.S.H.” This person actually watched “Doogie Howser, M.D.” on Hulu to see how Neil Patrick Harris got his start. He or she knows it all: theme songs, plot developments, major characters and of course, the major stars. I’m talking people who have watched “Doctor Who” pre-2005. Woah.

THE BILL NYE
An off-the-wall science question (possibly more than 1) is a given and very difficult to prepare for. You need someone who lives and breathes science. You need someone who would retort to my previous statement saying, “Well technically we all live and breathe science, as oxygen is a chemical element, so…” That’s right; you need a pretentious nerd on your squad. You want the kid that started taking the SAT for fun. You want the person that goes to a party and checks the pH balance of the jungle juice before drinking it. This kid will be your saving grace when times get tough.

THE LEWIS AND/OR CLARK
This is your history/geography/current events buff(s). There will be at least one, if not more than one question asked from one of those three categories. Although I am sure you think you know a lot about those, I’m about to drop some sad knowledge – you probably don’t. Your American education has failed you. But if you don’t know what’s going on in Syria, where Syria is on a map or how Syria got started, have no fear, because you have your trusty explorer friend(s) to bail you out.

THE WILDCARD
This is the hardest member to recruit. This is the person who knows random, weird information about everything, and let me tell you—this person is hard to find. Wildcards come in all different shapes and sizes. Surprise is their secret weapon. Honestly, don’t search for a wildcard because you will not find one. Let the wildcard find you.
There you have it: the Trivia Dream Team. Everybody grab a $4 Bud Light and turn off your phone. Seriously, don’t cheat. It isn’t fun and you probably won’t win anyway. Then you’ll lose all your friends, no one will want to marry you and you’ll live out your days alone in a cardboard box on Brown Street.

It’s trivia time.