Future for KU fountain looks sweet

By: Andrew Koerner – Alumnus

Last weekend, University of Dayton President Dan Curran announced a new addition to the campus master plan: a modification to the Kennedy Union fountain. This modification will be completed by the end of summer 2015.

“Students and faculty have been wondering why the fountain has been off all summer,” Curran said, “and I am pleased to announce another groundbreaking step toward a unified, cohesive, forward-thinking university, centered on its students and their lives’ missions.”

According to Curran, feasibility testing of the new plan has been ongoing since before finals week, but the green light has finally been given.

“KU fountain will be converted into a fondue machine,” he announced.

Curran went on to mention several early prototypes that dining services considered, including one sponsored by Pepsi that would have alternated between the soft drink giant’s different products on set time intervals. Instead, the chosen design will switch between cheese in the summer and chocolate in the winter.

Plumbing Designer Mark Fishburn’s computer-generated final model.

“The decision to use cheese in the summer and fall eliminates the use of a heating element, as the sun’s radiation will naturally heat the cheese to an ideal temperature,” Plumbing Designer Mark Fishburn explained. “We are very proud of this feature, especially with the Hanley Institute’s recent gift to strive toward greater sustainability on campus. And we all agreed warm chocolate would be the more festive option for the Christmas season.”

Once completed, the fondue fountain will operate as previously scheduled, turning on at 8 a.m. and off at midnight daily. Students and faculty are encouraged to bring snacks to the fountain but are advised not to immerse themselves in the cascading food coatings.

“There is potential danger a person coated in cheese could attract wild bears or hordes of squirrels–especially hordes of squirrels,” Director of Administration and Security Randy Groesbeck said when asked about health risks. “In the wintertime, it may feel good to immerse yourself in warm, liquid chocolate, but the walk back–when temperatures can dip below zero–poses the threat of entrapping the person in a chocolate casing.”

Fountain-run with caution.

Editor’s Note: This article is satirical. The fountain will only shoot out water, for now.