UD Reassures LGBTQ Community: “We’re Cool With the Gays”
Photo via University of Dayton website
Michael Oliss | News Editor
Amid growing allegations of homophobia by presumably credible online YikYak users, the University of Dayton released a series of statements expressing support for the LGBTQ community on campus.
“It’s not like that at all, bro. We’re cool with gays,” an anonymous UD official said. “If we were racist, why do so many black students go here? I mean, homophobic. Sorry, we’ve been accused of a lot recently. Anyway, if we were homophobic, we wouldn’t let in all of you freaks with blue hair and feelings and stuff, right?”
The UD official then made barking noises at the reporter and pushed him to the ground. When the reporter tried getting up, he was pushed down again. The UD official then started chugging a fat BORG and poured some out “for his homie Charlie Kirk.” It was typical of the types of situations LGBTQ people go through on campus every day.
When asked for comment, UD’s Department of Deflection released the following statement:
“Here at the University of Dayton, we pride ourselves on inclusion and community. As for the LGBTQ situation, we advise those community members to keep their personal beliefs and politics to themselves. UD loves freedom, but not when it’s shoved in our face and forced down our throats. We also advise gay students to try straight sex at least once to see if they can be fixed.”
When told about the horrific history of conversion therapy and that it shouldn’t be taken lightly, the UD Deflection official said, “Fine, don’t say fixed. Say I said ‘helped.’” They reiterated that students “should be thankful for our tolerance, but quiet nonetheless.”
Flyer News has reached out to every LGBTQ student organization on campus — both of them. One has not been active in almost a year; the other’s website is blank. A brand new, third organization’s president, however, offered a comment to Flyer News.
“What?! UD? Homophobic? No, we have a lot of gays around here,” President of Real Existent Gay Group, Derrick Fpina said. “As self-appointed spokesman of the gays, I hereby declare UD tolerant enough. We gave them a lounge, a beautiful gay lounge, all for them. And they still complain because of the discrimination they face regularly? Unbelievable.”
The LGBTQ student lounge near the Brook Center has been functional for years, but in recent months, the roof has caved in, and a family of owls now occupies the space. When asked for comment about the lounge’s intended users, the owls released the following statement: “Who?”
One owl, a poly-sci major high on what he believes is “Dayton cocaine,” said the following in under ten seconds: “The neglectful, homophobic, proto-fascist suits and ties that pull the strings of the University of Dayton have for years ignored the cultural problems plaguing the region and the world. How many professors, staff, and faculty secretly wonder the same thing students do: will UD be on the right side of history, or the Reich side? Does my university care about me or my wallet? If push comes to shove, will UD support its gay students, or keep doing what it’s doing now: nothing? My nose may be bleeding, but I feel like I could play every instrument at once, and I can’t even read music, man.”
For more information regarding the allegedly homophobic culture at UD, wear a rainbow shirt and walk into a business frat.
This is a satirical article. It does not reflect the views of anyone at Flyer News or the University of Dayton.