Porch Profile: The Men of 444 Lowes
By: Katy Hoeper – Staff Writer
FN: Give everyone in your house a superlative.
Frank Czerwien: Kyle is Most Likely to Lose a Limb. On his 21st birthday, he woke up with a huge gash on his nose.
Joey Fierstein: Yeah, he came into my room saying, “Dude. Did I get punched in the face last night?!”
Kyle Matyas: I think I hit a desk with my nose.
JF: Frank is Most Likely to Not Be Allowed Within 50 Yards of a School.
KM: And Joey is Most Likely to Brownnose.
FC: Paul is Least in Shape. And Most Likely to Light a Candle.
Paul Bartkowiak: (shrugs) I like candles.
FN: Care to share your most embarrassing moment at UD?
FC: Make sure it says this exactly: “GAYL PUSHED ME DOWN THE STAIRS LAST YEAR AND I CHIPPED MY TOOTH.”
JF: Then she threw his shoes on a street sign.
FC: No, she threw my shoes on the street sign, then I flipped her mattress, then she chipped my tooth.
JF: And Paul got his first kiss at Diamonds.
PB: Yeah, I still talk to her every now and then.
KM: Mine was the night I got the gash on my nose, when I broke down a locked door at my friend’s house.
JF: Well, my girlfriend didn’t even like me when I asked her out. We still aren’t sure if she does.
FN: What’s your favorite thing about each other?
KM: My favorite thing about Paul is his candles. And my favorite thing about Joey is that he helps us get good housing locations, because he’s a fellow.
JF: Also, I’m handsome.
PB: Frank makes you happy.
KM: Yeah, and if I’m ever going to get into some strange kind of adventure, it would be with Frank.
JF: I like Paul, because he has a plethora of sodas in his room. And he is very self-sufficient.
FC: Joey makes me look thin.
JF: Awwww. Well, I like Frank because he is like a little brother you pick on who just keeps coming back for more.
FC: I like Kyle because he has a car.
KM: And because I’m really handsome and caring and sweet.
FN: If you were visiting for your 10-year reunion, what would everyone be up to?
PB: Frank will have triplet girls.
JF: No, Frank’s going to be dating a girl in high school.
KM: Yeah, what’s that you always say Frank?
FC: “My first wife hasn’t been born yet.”
JF: I hope to be a stay-at-home-father then. But I won’t cook. I’ll just drink. Every day.
KM: Paul will somehow surpass both Joey and me in weight.
JF: And Kyle is going to be dating one of the Packers players. He’s in love with all of them.
FN: What are some of your weird talents?
KM: When I get drunk, I like to rub knives on my face. It’s a strange thing I do, not really a talent, but wow, I do it better than anyone else.
JF: I’m really good at being lazy.
PB: I’m a motor head. Also, I know a lot of different songs.
KM: Paul literally knows like 15 songs.
JF: I’m also really good at being tone-deaf. It’s actually impressive how bad I am at carrying at a tune.
FC: At Tim’s once, I flipped upside down on the pole, wrapped my legs around the pole, and did a crunch. One single crunch. Someone was supposed to film it (MY GIRLFRIEND). Make sure it says that. But she didn’t. Anyway, it was the stuff of legends.
FN: What is the perfect method for eating an Oreo?
JF: Twisting off the top. Eat it. Eat the icing. Then finish the cookie.
KM: You’ve got to be elbow deep in the milk.
FC: I agree with that.
PB: Eat it whole, then drink the milk before you eat it.
FC: I like peanut butter and Oreos.
FN: What’s the theme song of your house?
KM: “This is How We Do” by Katy Perry.
FN: What are you going as for Halloween?
FC: I’m going as the Chapel. I’m going to paint my head blue and put a cross on it.
KM: I’m either going to be a can of Natty or Richie Incognito.
JF: I’m going as the Jolly Green Giant.
PB: I’m going with the guys of 420 Kiefaber, and we are going as NFL players with felonies. I’m OJ Simpson.
FN: What’s your favorite spot at UD?
PB: Kramer’s is pretty chill. Except for their pizza.
KM: Definitely not the Rec.
JF: Probably Sunoco. I always know we are going to have a good time when we go there.
KM: I like our porch.
JF: Yeah, that, or my couch.
PB: Oh, or the Deli. Jan is a sweet lady.
KM: One time she told me not to steal her flag. I honestly wouldn’t though. I think she’s packing heat under that counter.
FC: Yeah, and she could also have a gun.
FN: What advice do you want to give the underclassmen?
PB: Don’t steal stuff.
FC: Or, steal a lot of stuff and don’t get caught.
KM: Baby proof your rooms.
JF: Have fun!
PB: Oh, don’t be an engineer.
If you and your roommates would like to be featured, contact A&E Editor Katie Christoff, christoffk1@udayton.edu, and include your address, the names of your roommates and a reason why you should be featured. Only juniors and seniors will be considered.