Porch Profile: The Men of 420 Kiefaber
By: Erin Ottesen – Porch Correspondent
Seniors Michael Melrose, Matt Klingler, Ben Tarter, Eric Bell, Matthew Hooper, Will Doorack and Brennan Lytle
FN: How did you all meet?
Ben Tarter: *laughs*
Will Doorack: Five of us are from St. Louis.
Michael Melrose: I’m a senior so…
WD: We found him on the street.
Matt Klingler: Eric and I roomed together freshman year, Will and Ben roomed together, Hooper contacted both of us to room with us and we said no.
Matthew Hooper: You had prior engagements!
WD: We felt bad for Michael, so we let him in the house.
BT: We needed a 7th person to sign the house, so we asked Brennan.
FN: If you could give everyone in your house a superlative, what would it be?
MM: *laughs*
MH: Let’s vote on one for each person.
BT: Can we start with Brennan? Sleepiest, slothy-est.
WD: Sid the Sloth award.
MH: Melrose is most angry, he’s pist, that’s spelled p i s t, Matt is most feminine.
MM: Matthew is the sketchiest by far, Baller is most likely to cook up the gas.
WD: Most likely to disagree is Eric.
MH: Ben most likely to coach a club collegiate women’s soccer team.
M: And that was talking soccer.
MK: Will is most likely to look 12 forever.
MH: Melrose is most likely to lock his door.
FN: What is on your bucket list for this semester?
BT: Kiss a dude.
MK: Brennan and mine’s is to get in contact with Nancy from Stranger Things.
WD: Matt and I are going to raise a happy, healthy and strong bunny named Pablo.
MK: And he’s not going to die.
WD: But if he does, we eat him.
Eric Bell: Hopefully Brennan just does the dishes once.
MK: I want to be economically efficient and wash solo cups.
BT: My hope for Brennan is he moves his number of 17 solo cups a day to at least single digits.
Brennan Lytle: I’ll admit, I do tend to get a lot of water cups every single night.
MM: I want Matthew to let me follow him on Find my Friends.
MH: Find love. I’d like to find love.
MM: You’re just a sketchy guy trying to find love, do you see how contradicting this is?
EB: Go undefeated in Mario tennis with Matt.
BT: Will and I beat them in a 3-set match.
MK: Brennan’s bucket list should be to wake up before 11 a.m.
BT: All of us sleep in Melrose’s bed for one night.
FN: What is your most embarrassing moment at UD?
MK: I got one! I sleep- walked and woke up in two different rooms in two different dorm halls.
EB: I just want clarify he woke up in a bed with no sheets on and the guy in his underwear was there.
MM: I just don’t really do anything that embarrassing.
EB: I woke up in snoopy leggings.
MM: I hate when I’m waving to someone and they’re waving to the person behind me.
MK: You could put living with juniors for your senior year.
MM: *leaves room*
BT: See! Most pist, most pist.
MM: *re-enters*
BT: One time, second semester freshman year, Will and I were roommates, didn’t see each other when we got dressed that morning and we were wearing the exact same thing.
MH: Getting called out for having my pouches in the shower drain.
BT: I attempted to eat six green olive pits that were already chewed on at a rooftop bar in Italy, and it was in front a multi-millionaire lawyer in New York.
MK: We all take the same religion class, and the teacher asked Brennan what he thought about the story we just read. Brennan didn’t read it, so he put “prayer and spirituality” which is the name of the course! Then he put “the teacher knows why I’m here.”
FN: If you were all back for your 10-year reunion, what would everyone be up to?
MM: I’ll be bald, for sure.
MH: I’ll be addicted to hair growth plugs.
BT: I hope we’re all still living here at 420 Kiefaber.
MK: And Terry is still alive!
WD: Matt’s probably working for his brother.
EB: If anyone’s going to be single, it’ll be Brennan.
BT: No, I’d say Will. He’s still single because he looks so young.
WD: And I’ll bring whatever girl is my best friend at the time to the reunion.
MH: Brennan will be an amateur professional snowboarder.
MK: And still in pursuit of Nancy from Stranger Things.
MK: Hooper lives here with Tessa.
MM: Matthew and I will be living together in the country.
MH: Yeah, land is cheap there.
FN: Do you have any house traditions?
MK and BT: House song is Torn by Natalie Imbruglia.
MH: One Direction’s version is better.
MK: We like them both, it’s up in the air.
BL: Second floor mafia is also tradition I’d say, it’s everyone but Ben and Melrose, kind of the cool club in the house.
MM: I have a cool club but absolutely no one in this house is in it.
BT: Making fun of Brennan is one.
WD: We snuggle away the Sunday scaries.
Everyone else: No, Will.
FN: What is your spirit animal and why?
WD: Beaver because I lay the wood, it’s a football term.
BT: You’re a flying squirrel, Matthew.
MH: Koala bear? No, no, no.
BL: Mine’s an owl. I like owls.
MM: Bear because I’m soft as heck.
MK: But also ferocious at times.
MK: I’ll do a falcon.
BL: Matt is not a falcon.
MM: Matt is a purse dog.
MH: I’d be a great white shark because I attack from below.
BT: Just give me a dingo.
MK: Eric is snoopy from Charlie Brown.
FN: Do you have any advice for underclassmen?
EB: See if you can move in with Melrose.
BT: Take advantage of the Marycrest mashed potatoes while you’re still here.
BL: Live in a landlord house.
MM: Get an on-campus job when you’re a freshman so you can have it all four years.
WD: Start scouting for intramural teams early.
MK: If you live in Stuart, make friends with people in Marycrest.
MH: Keep your friends close and enemies closer #comUniD.
BL: Be 21 before Daytona.
WD: Make friends with upperclassman so you don’t wander around like an idiot.
FN: Anything else you would like to add?
BL: I hate this school because they took Daytona away from me.
MK: I’m not as in love with my brother as this article claims.
BT: Not true.
MK: Shout out to “los pollos.” It’s our group chat.
MM: Shout out to my real roommates at 41 Jasper.
If you are interested in being featured in Porch Profiles, please contact A&E Editor Cari Zahn at zahnc1@udayton.edu with the names of your roommates, your address, and one reason why you should be featured.