UD’s Next President?
Photo via Matthew of Paris
Michael Oliss | News and Fish News Editor
After University of Dayton President Eric Spina announced he was retiring, rumors of who was to replace him swirled.
“Honestly, it can be anyone,” one anonymous UD official said. “But there’s definitely a frontrunner. All I can say is, I wouldn’t be surprised if Eustace Busket becomes president.”
Eustace Busket was a French outlaw who lived from around 1170 to 1217. After a brief stint as a monk, Eustace Busket became a mercenary, serving for both England and France in the Anglo-French War. He was more famous, however, for being a pirate. This is how he earned the dreaded name that haunted the high seas: “Eustace the Monk.”
“I like his passive-aggressive leadership style. He’d fit in for sure,” the UD official said. “People associate him with the terrible actions of the bailiff of the count of Boulogne, Renaud de Dammartin, but anyone with sense knows Eustace Busket was the seneschal to the count of Boulogne, Renaud de Dammartin, not the bailiff of the count of Boulogne, Renaud de Dammartin.”
Eustace Busket got fired for allegedly getting into a fight with his boss, Ronald of Damn Martin. Our university’s potential next president ran away before the French government could apply justice, which back then was some weird 13th-century torture thing.
“This university is very anti-torture,” UD officials said. “Torture is very serious. It is not allowed here, unless you park wrong. We are going to kill you if you park wrong.”
After Eustace Busket’s daring escape from his cushy job, he took to the sea — meaning he stole a ship with the crew still inside, took it to England, and convinced King John of England to lend him thirty more ships to fight the French. Eustace Busket left with a new flag flying overhead and went off to fight his native French people.
Eustace Busket took over a few islands for the English, condemning the people living there to centuries of the worst food imaginable. He also stole enough to amass a fortune. Then, in 1212, he raided English cities, using the English navy that the English king loaned him. For some reason, the king didn’t like the idea of that. Instead of waiting to see if he’d get in trouble, Eustace Busket pulled a Kevin Durant and switched sides, joining with the better team, the French, to whom he was still technically a wanted criminal.
The student body seems to dismiss the pirate’s controversial past, siding with the coolness of boats over the allegations of treason and murder.
“I like boats. Like, a lot,” business major Jeffrey O’Donnell, 19, told Flyer News. “I also like the thing they swim on. The sea. It’s the same color as the sky. I like it because of that.”
The UD administration has been totally and inexcusably silent on the issue, except for the several times when they’ve spoken about it. Despite leaving several drunken voicemails, Flyer News has yet to hear back from a specific professor we have a crush on for a response to the letter we sent, wherein they were supposed to circle if they liked us back or not.
Still, one member of our investigative team felt UD deserved answers. News and Fish News Editor Michael Oliss asked hundreds of people on Brown Street for comment. It turns out most people don’t really follow this stuff. None of them knew who Eric Spina was, but they were all big fans of Eustace Busket.
Dayton local Jean-François Michel de Beauregard spoke to a small group of people who had gathered to hear the legend of Eustace Busket. “Gather round, children,” he said. Within seconds, it became clear Beauregard was intoxicated. The crowd appeared stunned as the belligerent Beauregard quickly undressed himself, only to reveal a chest tattoo of Eustace Busket. He then offered to take pictures with people for five dollars each.
“I just made six hundred dollars,” Beauregard said. “Oh, wait. Just say I made a hundred dollars. Actually, this is all off the record.”
Beauregard did not respond to questions regarding Spina’s potential successor, though he said he “loved his wife,” but that “if she wants money, she can get a tattoo of Eustace Busket on her own damn chest.”
Only time will tell if the controversial monk-pirate will be chosen to lead UD into the future. One thing is for certain: the Dayton community loves Eustace Busket; students love him; Anonymous UD Official loves him. Now, it’s up to the Board of Trustees to decide if they want to make history or just live through it.
This is a satirical article. It does not reflect the views of anyone at Flyer News.