Porch Profile: The Women of 306 Lawnview Apartments
By: Katy Hoeper – Staff Writer
FN: Care to share your most embarrassing moment at UD?
Molly Hildebrandt: Mine was probably when I asked mom’s limo if I had been blacklisted because of the amount of times I called that night.
Lauren Schwieters: Yeah, mine cannot be shared.
Kristina Ivas: Probably the time you had Ebola, right Lauren?
LS: Shut up! (To FN) I’m sick. A lot.
Alex Driscoll: Freshman year, I had a random roommate in Founders. She was on the bottom bunk while I was on top. One weekend, her boyfriend came to visit and long story short, I woke up in the middle of the night, after going out, sleeping in the same bed as him.
KI: Well, my brother hit on me freshman year at a party at the warehouse, because he thought I was some random girl.
MH: Wait, how did that even happen?
KI: I have no idea.
FN: Give everyone in your house a superlative.
KI: Driscoll is Most Likely to Not Sleep in Her Bed.
AD: Tina is Most Likely to be Naked.
KI: Molly is a Sloth.
LS: No, Molly is Most Basic.
AD: No, she’s Most Likely to Leave a Destructive Path Behind Her.
KI: Yeah, she’s dirty.
LS: (To FN) Don’t write that.
KI: No, I like it. Spread those rumors!
AD: Lauren is Most Likely to be a Mom.
KI: No, Lauren is Most Likely to have Ebola.
LS: I told you, I just have a really weak immune system!
FN: Who do you want to perform at Daytona?
All: Soulja Boyyyyyy!
KI: Or Nelly! Nelly could totally happen.
MH: No way. I want to see everyone crank that and turn their swag on on the pool deck.
FN: What is your house song?
MH: “No New Friends.”
KI: It’s because we have no new friends in Lawnview, get it?
AD: It’s because Tina replied all to a housing email asking if “we had to go to the floor meeting or nah.”
KI: (shrugs) He replied nah.
FN: If you were visiting for your 10-year reunion, what would everyone be up to?
KI: Alex is still going to be trying to complete our bucket list.
LS: Molly is going to have five kids.
AD: (To MH) You’re going to be such a soccer mom!
KI: She’s totally going to be the new Duggars.
AD: And Tina will have a farm full of—
KI: Goats! I have a thing for goats right now. Did you know that you can’t raise them alone? You have to have two of them.
LS: No, Tina is going to be married, I can totally see it.
KI: Duh, I’m going to be married.
AD: Lauren is going to be running a company or something really important.
KI: Yeah, she won’t have time to have kids. She’ll pay someone else to have her kids.
FN: If you could be any Disney character, who would you be and why?
LS: Well, I’ve always thought Jasmine was the most beautiful.
KI: Of course you immediately go for princesses, God, basic…
AD: Tina would have to be someone loud.
LS: Donald Duck.
MH: I want to say Ariel, because a small part of me always wanted to be a—
MH: Redhead, actually.
AD: Ariel’s also wide-eyed and lost. That sums Molly up pretty well.
KI: What am I?
AD: I imagine your voice being—
KI: Am I going to be offended by this?
AD: That annoying bird from “Aladdin.”
KI: I hate all of you, I’m moving out.
AD: I’d be whoever is the most fun. Like Simba! You know, when he sings that one song…
(AD and LS break into song): “Oh I just can’t wait to be king!”
AD: Yeah, that’s basically why I don’t have a boyfriend.
FN: What food describes your apartment?
LS: There are several different things lying around here that have become staples. Like, three of us eat saltines a lot.
LS: And Tina only eats sugar.
AD: It’s true. One time, she woke up and ate a brownie for breakfast.
KI: Hey! You brought that to my bed, and I will be forever grateful. You guys enable me!
LS: You enable yourself.
FN: Do you have any advice for underclassmen?
KI: Sundays are for hanging out.
MH: Don’t be afraid to eat pizza. Take advantage of it.
LS: She’s right. Molly told me the other day that one of her friends said “If you didn’t get fat in college, you didn’t do it right.” So true.
FN: What’s your favorite spot at UD?
KI: 421 College Park.
KI: It was our house last year.
AD: Specifically the roof of 421 College Park.
KI: Or Stu’s! I have to throw in a shout-out.
FN: If you could stay at a certain age forever what and why?
LS: I don’t know all of the ages, so I don’t know which one I would pick.
KI: Okay Mom…
MH: I would say seven.
KI: You’re so right. I just want to be a kid again.
LS: No way, I couldn’t do this forever.
KI: I just want to be outside and dig holes.
AD: With your goats?
KI: With my goats.
FN: Do you have any house traditions?
LS: Yeah, we do holidays really well.
AD: Also, we are really forcefully friendly. People will be our friends regardless of if they want to or not.
KI: We are our neighbors’ friendship Red Dots.
FN: What’s your favorite part of living in Lawnview apartments?
AD: Being able to enjoy the beautiful sunny days out on our front porch.
LS: I thought you were going to say the junior boys.
MH: Yup, being the cougars.
LS: The plethora of juniors.
AD: I like the dumpsters at 5 a.m. right outside of our room the best. Or the Death Star.
KI (To FN): It’s this giant generator-like machine that sounds like the Death Star. And it goes off like every five minutes.
FN: Finally, what’s your favorite iPhone app?
LS: I want all of my friends to get Find my Friends, so I can know where you all are all the time.
KI and AD: TINDER.
AD: True Life: I’m newly obsessed with Tinder.
KI: Yeah, we got it together.
AD: I’m going to find my longtime boyfriend on Tinder. For example, I met a man who worked at a sewer department the other day.
MH: My favorite is Yo. It’s super basic.
LS: Just like you.
MH: Basically, you just click someone’s name, and their phone will make a little “Yo.” It’s great for when you want to get their attention, or you’re outside their house or something.
LS: I also use GCal a lot. And WebMD.
KI (singing): Lauren’s got Ebolaaaaaaa.