Porch Profile: The Women of 306 Lawnview Apartments

By: Katy Hoeper – Staff Writer

FN: Care to share your most embarrassing moment at UD?

Molly Hildebrandt: Mine was probably when I asked mom’s limo if I had been blacklisted because of the amount of times I called that night.

Lauren Schwieters: Yeah, mine cannot be shared.

Kristina Ivas: Probably the time you had Ebola, right Lauren?

LS: Shut up! (To FN) I’m sick. A lot.

Alex Driscoll: Freshman year, I had a random roommate in Founders. She was on the bottom bunk while I was on top. One weekend, her boyfriend came to visit and long story short, I woke up in the middle of the night, after going out, sleeping in the same bed as him.

KI: Well, my brother hit on me freshman year at a party at the warehouse, because he thought I was some random girl.

MH: Wait, how did that even happen?

KI: I have no idea.

 

FN: Give everyone in your house a superlative.

KI: Driscoll is Most Likely to Not Sleep in Her Bed.

AD: Tina is Most Likely to be Naked.

KI: Molly is a Sloth.

LS: No, Molly is Most Basic.

AD: No, she’s Most Likely to Leave a Destructive Path Behind Her.

KI: Yeah, she’s dirty.

LS: (To FN) Don’t write that.

KI: No, I like it. Spread those rumors!

AD: Lauren is Most Likely to be a Mom.

KI: No, Lauren is Most Likely to have Ebola.

LS: I told you, I just have a really weak immune system!

 

FN: Who do you want to perform at Daytona?

All: Soulja Boyyyyyy!

KI: Or Nelly! Nelly could totally happen.

MH: No way. I want to see everyone crank that and turn their swag on on the pool deck.

 

FN: What is your house song?

MH: “No New Friends.”

KI: It’s because we have no new friends in Lawnview, get it?

AD: It’s because Tina replied all to a housing email asking if “we had to go to the floor meeting or nah.”

KI: (shrugs) He replied nah.

 

FN: If you were visiting for your 10-year reunion, what would everyone be up to?

KI: Alex is still going to be trying to complete our bucket list.

LS: Molly is going to have five kids.

AD: (To MH) You’re going to be such a soccer mom!

KI: She’s totally going to be the new Duggars.

AD: And Tina will have a farm full of—

KI: Goats! I have a thing for goats right now. Did you know that you can’t raise them alone? You have to have two of them.

LS: No, Tina is going to be married, I can totally see it.

KI: Duh, I’m going to be married.

AD: Lauren is going to be running a company or something really important.

KI: Yeah, she won’t have time to have kids. She’ll pay someone else to have her kids.

 

FN: If you could be any Disney character, who would you be and why?

LS: Well, I’ve always thought Jasmine was the most beautiful.

KI: Of course you immediately go for princesses, God, basic…

AD: Tina would have to be someone loud.

LS: Donald Duck.

MH: I want to say Ariel, because a small part of me always wanted to be a—

LS: Mermaid?

MH: Redhead, actually.

AD: Ariel’s also wide-eyed and lost. That sums Molly up pretty well.

KI: What am I?

AD: I imagine your voice being—

KI: Am I going to be offended by this?

AD: That annoying bird from “Aladdin.”

KI: I hate all of you, I’m moving out.

AD: I’d be whoever is the most fun. Like Simba! You know, when he sings that one song…

(AD and LS break into song): “Oh I just can’t wait to be king!”

AD: Yeah, that’s basically why I don’t have a boyfriend.

 

FN: What food describes your apartment?

LS: There are several different things lying around here that have become staples. Like, three of us eat saltines a lot.

LS: And Tina only eats sugar.

AD: It’s true. One time, she woke up and ate a brownie for breakfast.

KI: Hey! You brought that to my bed, and I will be forever grateful. You guys enable me!

LS: You enable yourself.

 

FN: Do you have any advice for underclassmen?

KI: Sundays are for hanging out.

MH: Don’t be afraid to eat pizza. Take advantage of it.

LS: She’s right. Molly told me the other day that one of her friends said “If you didn’t get fat in college, you didn’t do it right.” So true.

 

FN: What’s your favorite spot at UD?

KI: 421 College Park.

AD: Yes!

MH: Retweet.

KI: It was our house last year.

AD: Specifically the roof of 421 College Park.

KI: Or Stu’s! I have to throw in a shout-out.

 

FN: If you could stay at a certain age forever what and why?

LS: I don’t know all of the ages, so I don’t know which one I would pick.

KI: Okay Mom…

MH: I would say seven.

KI: You’re so right. I just want to be a kid again.

AD: 21.

LS: No way, I couldn’t do this forever.

KI: I just want to be outside and dig holes.

AD: With your goats?

KI: With my goats.

 

FN: Do you have any house traditions?

KI: THANKSGIVING!!!

LS: Yeah, we do holidays really well.

AD: Also, we are really forcefully friendly. People will be our friends regardless of if they want to or not.

KI: We are our neighbors’ friendship Red Dots.

MH: Shotsicles.

 

FN: What’s your favorite part of living in Lawnview apartments?

AD: Being able to enjoy the beautiful sunny days out on our front porch.

LS: I thought you were going to say the junior boys.

MH: Yup, being the cougars.

LS: The plethora of juniors.

AD: I like the dumpsters at 5 a.m. right outside of our room the best. Or the Death Star.

KI (To FN): It’s this giant generator-like machine that sounds like the Death Star. And it goes off like every five minutes.

 

FN: Finally, what’s your favorite iPhone app?

LS: I want all of my friends to get Find my Friends, so I can know where you all are all the time.

KI and AD: TINDER.

AD: True Life: I’m newly obsessed with Tinder.

KI: Yeah, we got it together.

AD: I’m going to find my longtime boyfriend on Tinder. For example, I met a man who worked at a sewer department the other day.

MH: My favorite is Yo. It’s super basic.

LS: Just like you.

MH: Basically, you just click someone’s name, and their phone will make a little “Yo.” It’s great for when you want to get their attention, or you’re outside their house or something.

LS: I also use GCal a lot. And WebMD.

KI (singing): Lauren’s got Ebolaaaaaaa.