Let the record show that I, Louis Charles De Gruy, am officially declaring my bid to run for President of the United States and Leader of the Free World in the November election of 2012. Let me also say that, if you have already decided in which direction you will cast your ballot, stop reading. This is not addressed to you. So stop reading. Really.
There, now that we’ve dispensed those over-achieving jerks, let’s chat. In case you missed the first paragraph, I am running for president. If you haven’t decided whether or not you want to vote yet, that’s fine. I’m all for you practicing your right to bar yourself from having a say in what goes on in your life. But if you have decided that you do want to vote, congratulations are in order! You have joined an elite group of patriots who have found within themselves the strength to overcome gravity, get off the couch and get to a voting center.
Are you having trouble deciding on whom to vote for? Are you sick of party politics? If you answered yes to either question, I encourage you to actively inform yourself of the political platforms. This involves looking past what the candidate is saying and trying to figure out what he actually means. For example, as part of my presidential platform, one of my promises is to institute “Lawless Tuesdays”. As the name implies, each week, there will be one day designated for unabashed felonies and misdemeanors, committed with impunity.
Instead of leaving you to try to find the meaning in that particular plank, I will make it easy and simply tell you. You see, though the idea is awesome, I only have it as a piece of my election platform in order to shore up votes with the criminal class of the nation – you would be surprised what a group of swing voters these are! In fact, all of the tenets of my platform are designed to pander to the interests of a specific voting demographic. And, through the clever wordplays and debating sidesteps I have been taught, I am able to safely skirt around most issues of practical importance that would hinder my standing with the public.
So that leaves it up to you to decide, after wading through all of my double-talking equivocation, what I actually stand for and hope to accomplish while in office. Good luck.
Now, if you are taking no active measures to inform your opinion, I implore you to vote for me. You see, being the president is kind of a big deal. And, although I am certain I would do a far better job than any competitor out there, I am ineligible to actually be the president due to age restrictions. While working to understand the goals of the candidates, be sure to diversify your information sources. If all you do to make your decision “informed” is watch Fox News or complain about the corporate establishment to your friends, then I don’t want my future or the future of those I care about in your hands. So please, remove yourself from the pool of party voters by voting for me, and let the informed voters get the job done.
