“Oh my god, I can’t believe you’re a senior!”
“What do you want to do with your life after you graduate?”
“You know, you don’t have any birthdays to look forward to anymore. After you turn 21, it’s all downhill.”
Stop. No seriously. Shut up.
I’m sick and tired of everyone and their mother questioning me about my future and asking how it feels to be a senior. I’ve only been at school for two weeks. OK, three years and two weeks, but I don’t want to hear it.
Trying to imagine myself in the real world is a complete joke. If you know me, you will understand why I say this. I spend my free time rollerblading, watching “The Big Lebowski” and trying to learn all the lyrics to “Faded” by Tyga or “1980” by Dirt Nasty.
The posters in my room consist of Stephen Colbert, Notorious B.I.G, Lil Wayne and Beyonce. How’s that for being cultured.
I wear a skull bandana, American flag leggings and, if I’m feeling extra saucy, a shirt that says “Rebel” with a giant bulldog on the reg. I also use terms like “on the reg.” Now imagine me in a pantsuit and kitten heels.
Compare someone like me to my good friend Cate Camerota. As opposite as we are, somehow, someway we get along fabulously.
Camerota is the president of Pi Beta Phi sorority, works for the Davis and Hanley centers, is obsessed with Lily Pulitzer, probably has a 4.9 GPA and has met Warren Buffett. And she still has social skills. Weird, I know. My most-prized celebrity meeting is a tie between Chaz Bono and Kathy Griffin.
If you want to ask someone about plans after graduation, Camerota’s the one to go to. She has her stuff together and is going places. I, on the other hand, will likely be living in her basement.
If you haven’t figured out by now, I’m not the most mature person. What does someone like me do as a career? I have no idea, but if you figure it out, hit me up on Gmail. In the meantime I plan to sit back, relax on my porch and visit my main man Timothy as often as possible.
Seniors, I hate to say it, but we will never live in a place like The Ghetto again. The Ghetto is a place where, in the words of Dumb and Dumber, “the beer flows like wine. Where beautiful women instinctively flock like the salmon of Capistrano.” This is the last time in our lives that it is acceptable (somewhat) to be more proud of having a Tim’s VIP card than getting an A on a final.
So here’s to the class of 2013, and especially you, Cate. Keep doing what you do so that I have a nice basement to live in someday.